The couch

      My mother never saw herself as the rest of us did. She did, however, notice what she lacked or what she hoped to have. For this reason she never saw herself as being a charitable person though she spent many days saying how she wished she could do more service for others. How she wanted to be more "Christ like".
Despite what she may have thought about herself she was in fact one of the most charitable ladies I have ever met.
     As I sift through my childhood memories, a deep royal blue sectional makes its way to the forefront of my mind. It stands as a witness to the kindness and selflessness of my mother.

     As far as I know that couch was always around. I can't put a finger on how it even came to be there in the middle of our comfortably cluttered living room. It took up so much space with its oversized rounded cushions and yet we never seemed to find it in the way. I suppose that was becuase if you couldn't get around it, jumping, rolling or climbing over it was always a plausible option.

     The aged old saying of "if walls could talk" echos true for the stories this worn couch could tell. Just like the woman in whose house it dwell, this couch sat always open, never judging. Everyone was always welcome in Gail's house. Everyone was always welcome on that couch.

     On my sixteenth birthday that couch stood between me and my hidden party guests. As they jumped out from behind it I grabbed it's puffy back cushion for support as I startled, tumbled forward in delight.
     Those fully stuffed cushions spent many a nights holding me in the crevice where the back and the seat met. Huddled safely there I would pour out my heart and amid my terrible adolescent troubles I felt comfort in its embrace. As tears would spill onto its fabric rolling down, only slightly getting absorbed, I would find peace.
     The sectional formed the shape of a "C" there in the middle of the room and if you laid down just right three people could spend the night head to toe on that couch without having to take out the awkward spring filled "pull out" bed. Many a teenager spent the night on that couch. My sweet mother never said someone could not stay the night. If someone needed a place to go this couch was offered up as a fit option.
     After a long 9 hour road trip, that horrible "pull out" bed was the most comfortable place in the world as my college friends and I would crash literally onto it's hard metal frame. Everyone feeling like this couch was their very own... like this home was theirs as well.
     That couch was the perfect place to sit and run lines for my upcoming theatre show. It was a perfect landing base for me when my brother "laid me out" while practicing his defensive football moves. It served the same purpose when he started playing with the idea of doing wrestling. It caught our trembling bodies as we laughed uncontrollably the day my brother tried on his x-small wrestling outfit which needless to say led to the end of his wrestling days.
     I sat on the couch simply amazed the day my brother flawlessly sang "Bring Him Home" before trying out for a dinner theatre show. And there I sat as my adorable mom sang karaoke to "Girls just want to have fun" on one of infamous theatre/choir kid hang out nights.
     The couch was the unmentioned star of many a school movie projects. We would jump and dance along it's cushions reciting lines from Shakespeare hoping to induce laughter from our classmates while still impressing our teacher with our wit and cleverness.
     It held us as we sat in the early hours of the morning devising plans as to how to put toilet paper all over the "cute boy around the corner's" home. Giggling we would wait for the toilet paper to be returned to our front yard as we laid out on the couch. We would talk and bond.
     That couch stood witness to the development of many friendships. It watched as friends grew closer, bore their souls and learned what love was about. It held teenagers who longed for comfort and acceptance. And it gave it to them. That couch gave everyone who needed it, a place to belong. Yes, just as my mom did.
     My mom held us there on that couch many times. She would hold us and sing "You are my sunshine." She would hold us and tell us that we were her babies, her "ninos." She would hold us and tell us we were the best things that happened to her. She even was able to hold her granddaughter on that couch. She held her and told her how she looked like her. And kissed her chubby little cheeks. There on that couch so many felt Mom's love and comfort. It was a catalyst for her to talk, bond and connect with so many people. There so many people felt our Savior's love through my darling mother.

     The day my mother's spirit left her body I sat on that couch for what would be one the last times. It supported my tired body while my dearest friends Danny and Taylor sat beside me supporting my broken heart. I sat there, paralyzed into a trance until my mom's body was taken out of her house.

That couch never let me down. It was always there. It meant more then words could express to me and so many others.
Just as my sweet mother meant so much to me, and so many others.
She supported so many people. She gave what she had without question. And for many all she could offer was a place to sit and for her to listen.
That couch witnessed many things. It witnessed the kindness and love of Gail.
And though she may have never known it she was beyond charitable. She was life changing to so many.

She was a support to so many just like her simple blue sectional that filled up her living room. And her legacy will forever live on.

Words words words...

Sometimes I want so badly to be able to put all my millions of thoughts into words.
I think all day of the eloquent way I will contrive my mixed emotions into sentences of meaning. And then I find myself staring blankly at my computer, unable to find those once so carefully selected words.
They have somehow just floated away from my mind. And I am left apathetic really.

My drives to and from the city give me too much time to think. I am grateful to my kind friends who will occasionally sacrifice their time to talk to me.  But there are still voids. Times when all I can hear are words going through my mind. Memories, thoughts... things I want to stay buried.
I don't like the drive. I don't like to be alone. I haven't always felt that way. I will get back to normal. I just have to give it time.

Life seems the same as it always is. It is just moving forward. Adelaide walks and talks. She climbs and runs. She is quite the character. As her personality develops I realize what a spunky and fun girl she is. I just adore her so much.

My mom would have adored this fun little girl. I still have to fight the urge to call her and tell her the funny things Addie does or says. Will that ever go away?

Addie loves music. If you sing to her she will stop everything she is doing to listen and try and join in. She loves to listen to the piano. She loves itsy bitsy spider. She loves 5 little monkeys.
My mom always said I loved music too. I wonder what other similarities Addie and I share?

The other day I found a picture of me, my brother and my mom laying on the floor. I asked Eric where that came from. He told me Addie had found the picture on my night desk and had walked around all day talking to it.
That would have made my mom laugh to know Addie had carried her picture around all day.

I have a new calling at church. It is actually an answer to my prayers I realized. I have been asking God to help me to feel closer to him and to find time to study my Scriptures. Well... I am now teaching in Relief Society every month so I HAVE to study and I have found as I do I feel him closer by me. I feel his love more near.
When I first found myself going in front of all the ladies in my congregation to teach I was super nervous. What could I, a young girl have to say of any importance? But as I followed along in my notes I realized that the message from the Prophet was what needed to be told. I was not telling a message from me... but a message from and about God. And while I still think I mumbled and fumbled my way through I have put my trust in God and hope that if I do my part and study hard he will help me to find words to say.

I think the same goes for all things in my life. If I do my part and keep trying God will help me to find the words. I will be led to understand my thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes I feel like the happiest girl ever trying to fight a sad girl from taking over. And it is hard.
I have so many blessing in my life. I have so much to look forward too. I have a beautiful life.
I know God is aware of me and I just have to press forward despite what sadness, heartache or confusion comes my way.

"Thank you" doesn't begin to explain it.

After someone dies there are a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. Trying to go back to "normal" is tough especially becuase the "normal" you are looking for is gone. You have to just sink into a new phase in life... a new normal.
I find myself constantly feeling like I need to call someone. Anyone, to tell them about my day, my life, things. And then I remember, sadly, that I don't need to do that any more. It is a tough habit to break.

One way I tried coping with this pit in my stomach from the loss of my mom, was by just pushing people away. Not having feelings. Apathy? Numbness? I wanted that. Anything was better then this pain.
I soon realized how bad that was. I am slowly adjusting.

I found this talk this evening by Elder Nelson on death. Here is the link if you would like to read it. It is beautifully written and very comforting.
I really enjoyed this quote, " we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

I don't want Love gone from my life. I pondered on this idea and thought all evening about it.
I have only gotten through my life with the love and support from others. 
I wouldn't trade the Love I have in my life for anything.

And then I thought, I hope with all my heart people know how grateful I am to them for their love.

My friends and family are everything to me. Sometimes I just take that for granted and I never want that.

On my long drive home I recalled the people who held me up these past few months.

I have such amazing friends. All my lovely friends here from Church here who text and call me. Who help watch my baby. Who make me smile. They mean the world to me. Thank you. You know who you are. And you are awesome.
My friends from high school who still keep in touch and who send me texts every so often just to say they love me. Martina sends me a text almost everyday and it seriously does make me smile. Holly and Heather constantly write on my instagram and I feel so important!

I thought back to March. I try to avoid thinking about my mom's passing. But as I thought I recalled some beautiful memories.
All my "Ladies" who stood in as my mother figures through everything. Shauna, Janelle, Anne, Karen, Cherilee, Lisa, Dana, and Connie. (just to name a few...) Who brought me food, magazines. Who sat with me as I went through my mom's clothes. Who helped me sell my mom's possessions. Who drove me around. Who hugged me. Who made me feel important. I didn't have to be alone becuase God sent me angels to hold me up. 
There were so many people who came and supported us at the yard sale too. So many people who wrote me on face book and talked to me. So many people I didn't know well or who I hadn't spoke to in years who showed up and showed me love. Showed me service. Acted like our Savior. Helped me to feel his love. 

My sweet mother in law. She is constantly giving to me. But As I thought back to March. I realized I could not have survived that month without her. She kept me a float. She kept me grounded. She made me laugh as I walked to the funeral home to make arrangements. She helped me feel peace as I left for the funeral. She held my hand. She treated me as if I was her daughter. And she still does. To this day.
I am so blessed.

My little brother. He was and still is so strong. Through all his trials he still calls me and he still supports me. And shows me love. I am grateful to him. My aunt and uncle. Showed me love and still call and check up on me. It was so good to have my Aunt with us when mom Passed. We needed her. She was a sound person to help us figure out what to do. Especially with Jimmy and I being so young. We act tough but we are still kids in many ways.

Danny g. I don't know what I would have done without him. His constant support meant so much too.
Jenna stood beside me (literally) and sang with me. Mom loved our voices. I love Jenna's love. I love everything about that girl and the support she gave/gives me.
Rachel D. sent me the best encouraging pictures and messages. They made me feel loved and happy even through the difficult times. I won't forget that or the pictures.

Tay and Danny m. Sat beside me till the funeral home came for my mom. I didn't have to be alone. I had their hands holding mine. I had their love keeping me strong. I won't ever forget that.

How Do I say thank you to these people who helped me survive one of the hardest months of my life? There were so many people. So many more then I even mentioned here. How do I say thank you to the friends who help me now get through? Thank you is not enough. I am forever in debited with gratitude to these people. To my Lord... for sending me such sweet friends who help me feel such love.

Most of all how do I thank Eric? Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew we would need each other. Day by day i realize how important Eric is to me. How wonderful, loving, caring and supportive he is. He is my everything. I don't think I tell him enough. I don't think I could ever say I love him enough. He is the best husband and father for Addie that I could ever ask for.
He has been my strength through these past few months. A sounding board. A shoulder to cry on. A friend.

I truly can't say thank you enough.
I just hope that all of you who happen to read this know what you mean to me. Please know that I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am so grateful.
You all have done so much. Whether it has been sending me a text or physically holding my hand. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without all the love I have had.
The small things and the big things have meant so much.

I wish Thank you could better explain how I feel.

I truly love my life. I love the people in it. I love that God has gotten me through.

Thank you for being patient with me as I am healing and adjusting from the sorrow my Mother's passing has caused me.
Thank you for understanding and for accepting me as I am. which is a little broken but not damaged.

Life as we know it

Things have been a bit wild around here lately.
I started work at the local Children's hospital down in the city. I work at the "welcome desk". It is a pretty great job and the benefits are awesome. I do miss Addie quite a bit. I try to make the most of the time we spend together now that I am a "working mom".

Addie is now ONE! Can you believe it? I sure can't.
She is walking and climbing stairs and she babbles all day long. She LOVES sesame street youtube videos. She will ask to watch them over and over. She loves to dance and follow people around the house. She likes to hold your hand as you walk, until you try to go somewhere where she doesn't want to go. Then she just stops.
She can pull herself up to a stand from sitting. She was quite proud of herself when she realized she could do that. Now she would rather pull herself up to a stand then use the wall or a piece of furniture.

She LOVES books. Every book. Recipe book in grandma's kitchen? yup lets read it. Hymn book at church? I need you to read that to me now! Random magazine that comes in the mail? Were you going to throw that away without showing it to me? Every book. Some more then others. I am pretty sure I have the "foot book" memorized. Which is a good thing becuase she has almost chewed it up so that it is unreadable.

She is honestly such a bundle of joy. She is more amazing then I could have ever imagined and I love every new quirk and characteristic that I learn about her. And her laugh... oh goodness. It brings me smiles on the darkest of days!
I find myself in awe at times at how happy and sweet she is. She truly is a special little spirit from Heavenly Father. I feel quite inadequate.


My cute sister-in-law Courtney braided my hair for me today before I left for work. As I was talking the braids out tonight I started thinking about my childhood and how my sweet mom would braid my hair all the time. It was a tradition almost. We would watch movies and she would braid my entire head! She would do pig tails, corn rows or inside out braids. She was so awesome at it. She would make me "look at the ceiling and tell me a story!" "What do you see on the ceiling Janelle?" I remember often telling her made up stories about butterflies and fairies.
I thought back to a year ago while I was recovering from my c section in the hospital. My mother was in the room talking to me. I asked her to braid my hair. She smiled and delicately put my hair into two french braided pig tails. I could feel that she was struggling a bit as her age worn hands tugged and pulled at my hair. She was tired but We laughed and joked as she went along. It was as if I was back in high school and we were spending a sunday afternoon taking a break from the  cares of the world together. So happy to be with each other.
That was the last time my mom braided my hair. I have been replaying memories in my mind of her lately. Trying to remember her laugh. Her smile. Her face.
I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I don't think I ever told her enough.

They say it gets easier with time. I feel at times it is in fact harder.
Though I know that God is near. My pain is not mine to bear alone.
For that I am grateful.


I am grateful for my memories. I am so grateful for my mom.

I realize more and more what I am lacking personally. I am far from a perfect mom, from even a good mom most days. I pray that God will make me into something better then what I see in myself.
I pray that he can make my weaknesses my strengths.
I am grateful for the love my mom had for me. I do know that she loved me. And I love her. I always will.

My love, My life, My precious Adelaide. 

I will eventually find the words

So I know it has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. I have a million things I want to say and yet I feel the words can't be found. So I just don't say anything.
So today I decided to just write a little bit. And then we can go from here.
I have so many thoughts. So many things in my mind. I wish I could find a way to make sense of it all. So I just keep going each day. Trusting the God will help me. Trusting that I am ok.

Adelaide is 10 months old. She is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter. I love her more and more everyday. She has the greatest personality. When I give her baths at night she looks me in the eyes like we are old friends and laughs with me while she falls on her bum splashing soapy water all over the floor. Her eyes have this twinkle in them. This twinkle of happiness and love. I want to capture her light and keep it with me always. Her tender little spirit warms my heart.
I often do not feel worthy to be her mother. I do not feel like I do enough. I feel like I fail constantly. And yet every morning she smiles when she sees me. She hugs me tight and buries her face into my neck. I am so grateful for her love. She sees in me what I can't quite see in myself. She loves me regardless of my short comings. I want to be the best. I want to be everything for her. And I try so hard. But I know I fall short. I beat myself up over that. But I will keep trying. That is all I can do.

I try and stay busy. I try and visit people or go out a lot. I try and keep my mind focused on anything and everything. I try to not let it wander. I try to not think about my mom. Though that is impossible. But I can fake it pretty well.

I know that I am okay. I am only okay becuase the Lord has helped me through. Every day I can get up and face the day becuase the Lord gives me strength. I have a great life. I have so many blessings.
Despite my many many many short comings I have a wonderful husband who loves me and stands by me and a daughter who is always smiling.
Dark days come and try to consume me into a state of self pitying and loathing. But God sends me tender mercies and miracles in the shape of friends who help rescue me.

I have been working really hard on trying to get into better physical shape. I go to the local YMCA. I have been doing great. Exercise is really good for me and helps me to focus.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father and all he has blessed me with. I am so grateful for everyday. Things get tough. Life is not always easy and depression can get its ugly grasp around all of us every once in a while. But I know this life is not the end. I am so grateful for that.

I think that as I try to utilize this blog more and express my thoughts, I will eventually find the words. The words that will help me feel alive. Help me to make sense of myself. The words that will help me to heal. I will eventually find the words that my heart and spirit need me to set free.

Take my hand and we will make it I swear

It is close to midnight and feel like I need to type something. I am not sure what exactly I need to say or what I even want to say.
It has been over a month since my mom had passed away. Some days have been very difficult while others are only slightly. Some days I live in denial that anything is different. Somedays I live in total agony wishing I would have been kinder, done more or said more. I get by with my faith. I know that I will have the chance to see my mom again. I believe that she isn't far from me.
Sometimes when Addie is doing something really cute I find myself saying out loud, "Did you see that mom?" I can imagine her laughter clear as day in my mind. I can imagine her saying, "Aw look at the little baba girl."
There are so many days I want to call her. I want to tell her things. Ask her things. Reality sets in and it hurts. And then I pick myself up and keep going.

Despite the saddness that I feel from the loss of my mom, I am actually doing quite well.
As well as I can. I am grateful that the Lord is carrying me through.

I will keep pressing on. One day at a time.
I will make my mom proud.

Genealogy, I am doing it!

My mom was so amazing at Genealogy. She was a family history pro if you will. She worked at the family history library and helped other people with their own Pedigree charts.
Going through her belongings I found that she had SO many temple names (mostly male) that needed to have their work finished. When we looked at her temple shoes when we dressed her we noticed there were holes in the bottoms of them.
From this I have gained a very important example of how I should be.

I know I need to keep myself busy. I have a million things I could do, should do, need to do. But I realized that one of these things needs to be to continue on with my mother's family history work. What greater joy can there be then to connect with my family through doing their temple work and forming together a history to share with my children someday.

So tonight my amazing mother in law and I sat and down and she showed me some basic's to figuring out family history. We used Ancestry.com and just in a few hours I have discovered things I never knew. Things about my mom's family that either she didn't know or that she never got around to telling me. I feel like this is a wonderful way for me and my mom to connect even though she is no longer here with me.

One of the other could do, should do, need to do things I have on my agenda is to write more. So that includes keeping up on writing here on this blog. One way to encourage myself will be to write updates on interesting family history things I find. So I don't forget!

So tonight here are some interesting things I found out.

My mom's mother is named Frances. When she was one I found that on a census it showed her living with her mother and father who were both 28 years old. They also loved with my grandma's grandpa who was 48 and his sons (her uncles) who were 21 and 24. That was really interesting. Can you imagine the house? What was daily life like? Five adults and baby Frances. I bet they spoiled her. I never knew that they all lived together and honestly how would I have ever known that?

I knew that my grandfather served in a war. But I never knew which one. Tonight I found the World war 2 document showing that he enlisted in the war on March 6, 1943.

I found out that My Dad's Dad (who was an orphan) has information about his parents that I need to research more!

So this is just the beginning. I need to upload all the pictures my mom had too.
Oh my darling mother. I don't want her work to have been for nothing. I know this is going to be a project that will take years. But I want my kids to have a record of who they are and where they came from.

Back to normal life?

I have heard from more than one person this last week, "I bet it will be nice to go back to Pennsylvania and get back to your normal life."
Yes, I suppose it is nice to be back to the place that I now call home. It is nice to be with my blanket, my pillow and all my other "things". But I have realized more and more that things don't bring happiness.
I am also still fairly new here in PA. I don't know many people and I don't have the sturdy support system that I have in California or in Utah even for that matter. So the Normal that these few people have alluded to is not normal to me.
Plus my mom is not here anymore. That realization has been sinking in little by little. And there is nothing normal about that.
Normal to me is being able to call my mom everyday while I drive. Normal to me is "skype"ing with her and having her laugh at all the new tricks Addie has learned. Normal to me is knowing that my mom will make me smile no matter how sad or depressed I get. Normal to me is worrying about her. Normal is being able to have someone to vent to. Someone to reassure that I am doing things right.

I know I don't have a "normal" life. I never have. I know things always change. I have always hated change. But I am very much aware that with change comes growth. But I know that growth is not easy. Thus change is not easy. Never has been I guess.

I am still very numb to the fact that my mother has died. I watched it happen. The memory is hauntingly present in my mind everyday. I think back and wonder how I was able to stand that. I wonder how I was so okay during everything. I wonder how I am okay right now.
I know it is all thanks to the Lord. He has helped me through all of this. And as I am becoming more aware and as the pain becomes more real, I am reminded of how much he really has done for me. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this if it wasn't for the strength he has given me.

So back to "normal" life.
Back to living each day. Back to loving and adoring my daughter and husband. Back to being so in awe to the miracles of the Lord and being grateful for his blessings.
Back to trying to get by day by day.

My Eulogy for my darling Mom.

Tonight was my mom's funeral. She passed away Friday morning. I don't know if I can type about that quite yet. Maybe eventually it will become less painful.
But for now I will leave you with the Eulogy that I read for her tonight.
I love you mom. I will never forget you. Promise.

Eulogy for Gail Youngblood

I would like to start out by saying Thank you to everyone for being here and for showing your support. Thank you for your help throughout these past few months. Thank you for your love and friendship, for the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. We have felt them. Thank you for the meals. Thank you to those who have held my hand figuratively and literally through all of this. It is such a blessing to know that my mom was so very loved.

My mom was born in Martinsburg West Virginia. She was an only child for 5 whole years till her parents gave birth to her brother Gary and then very quickly after that came Geri Lynn.  My mom was fun loving little girl. She loved to play dress up! Geri Lynn recently told me how My mom would dress up as Alice cooper for her using their dad’s top hat.

My mom told me many stories of going sledding during the winters and how she would lifeguard during the summers. She even taught swimming lessons for a while.

She had a love for what we now consider to be classic rock. My mom entertained my husband and I one night telling stories us of all the bands she was able to see perform, bands that my husband can only now dream of seeing. She was very proud that she only had to pay 5$ to see Led Zeplin.

She always had an artistic flair to her. When she was in high school she would paint her bell-bottoms with flowers and peace signs. She had all the walls in her room painted too. As she got older she did a lot of costume design in college. She painted all the time when I was younger too. I even had a pillowcase that my mom painted scenes from Pinocchio on when I was 5.  She painted large sheets to use as numerous backdrops for ward parties, road shows, daddy daughter dances, and even one for my eighth grade dance.

My mom had a love for theatre! She was in shows during high school and also into college for a while. Her favorite plays that she did were Carasoul and South Pacific.

My mom was a beautiful lady. I don’t think anyone that ever met her would deny that. She even won miss Berkly County when She was in high school.

As my mom got older she moved from West virgina to Florida to Texas and eventually found her way to California.

My mom lived an interesting life full of adventures, hard times and a lot of trails. She told me often that for many years she was lost trying to find something. Yet she didn’t know what that something was. She told me that when she met my dad he helped save her life. She prayed for answers on what church to join and was lead to the LDS or Mormon faith. She realized that the “something she had been looking for” was the gospel and her family and together my mom and dad figured out what life was really about and they taught my brother and I the things that really matter about living here on this earth.

My mom taught me so many things. I owe so much of who I am today to her. And most of the things she taught me were from her example.

My mom taught me to have a love for the arts. We would go to museums together whenever we could and enjoy all the different works. We went to so many theatre shows together. My mom instilled in me a love for music and acting and She encouraged me to sing and to act. She always told me how much she loved my voice and we would spend countless car rides singing at the top of our lungs. I love to see performances because it reminds me of my mom and it will forever. I love to sing because it reminds me of her sweet encouragement. I can see her plain as day sitting at every choir/theatre show I ever did smiling up at me. Always making me feel so important and talented.

My mom taught me about kindness. My mom told me that when she was in high school she was a cheerleader. She said a girl walked by who was not very popular and my mom saw her sweater and told the girl that she LOVED it. My mom said the girl started to smile and got so excited and exclaimed, ”Thank you it was my grandmas!” As the girl walked away my mom realized that the sweater was actually kind of ugly and she hadn’t seen it very well but because it had made the girl so happy to hear that she liked it she just kept it to herself.  My mom used this story to tell me that she wished she had cared in high school about making more people smile then about being popular. She always told me that the best compliment anyone could get is to have someone say that you are the kind to everyone. Well mom, I didn’t know you in high school but for as long as I knew you, you were kind to everyone. She really was. I have been getting letters and notes from people so I can compile stories of my mom into a book. And the thing that I have read the most is how kind and sweet my mom was to everyone and how she genuinely made them feel loved. I can only hope to develop that trait like her.

My mom taught me about faith. When my father passed away I was only 13. My mom was left with two kids all alone. And yet she never once said a harsh word against God. She was always telling my brother and I how grateful we should be that we are a family forever.

She never doubted and never feared. She was a woman of exemplarily faith. She always knew that trials and hardships were for our benefit, learning and growth and that despite all the pains that this world would bring to us we would live forever with our Heavenly father and with our Families someday. And she always rejoiced in that knowledge.

My mom taught me about positivity. Someone said to me the other day how positive my mom was. And it is true. She really always worked on that. She would always say, “now let’s look on the bright side!” When things would be tough for me or if I had a bad day she would ask, “Janelle… what can you learn from this?” That was just how my mom was. Always trying to grow and be better.

My mom taught me about dedication. Not many of you know this but my mom read her scriptures everyday for almost an hour. She would wake up early and read. She went to the temple regularly. She ALWAYS fulfilled her callings. When she joined the church she gave up her old ways without ever looking back. And she celebrated the Lord for helping her in all things. My mom understood true obedience.

One of the greatest lessons she taught me was about love and service.

My mom truly loved everyone. If she didn’t get along with someone, which was rare, she would offer prayers that she could learn to love them.  And she always did. I have countless memories of coming home after a rough day of school and telling my mom why so and so hurt my feelings or how so and so just bugs me. She would say, “Why don’t you say a prayer that you can learn to love them.” That was not always what I wanted to hear. But when I followed her advice I was always happy.

My mom never judged anyone. She tried to find the best in everyone. She truly loved all. I have had more then one person tell me in the past few days how they loved to talk to Gail because she would just listen. She didn’t care what they would say and they knew that she would always love them.

She truly had a Christ like love for all. I admired that so much about her and I hope above all else that is something I can acquire.

My mom was always trying to serve others. Most of her service she did without even thinking. She smiled at everyone. She was kind to everyone.

She would give to anything to anyone. If you asked her for something, she would find a way to make it happen for you.

She constantly had our friends at her house. She was always talking to teenagers, listening to them and helping them to feel loved.

My mom served in her ward callings. She was in young women’s for so long. She touched so many girls lives, I am sure I don’t even know. She went to girl’s camp every year with me. She would chaperone every field trip in school.  I always had kids coming up to me saying,…”Gosh I wish she was my mom.”

My mom always gave her all, did her best and put her heart into everything. She loved everyone she met. She gave without hesitation. And She had a laugh that was so contagious.

Her smile really did brighten my day.

She had the greatest sense of humor. Her and I could laugh for hours over absolutely nothing. We would make up songs. My brother, her and I could find anything to sing about and keep it going all day. We used to joke that we were the best comedy routine around.

My mom always told me that we were best friends. And we really were.

We were meant to be mother and daughter. Our spirits are so similar.

Saying that I will miss her is an understatement.

I know that she loved Jimmy and me. She gave us everything. We were her life as she always reminded us. I know that she loved my Addie. She adored her and I am so grateful she was able to meet her.

But I know, without a doubt in my mind that she is so happy. She has been without my dad for 11 years. I can’t even imagine how joyous that reunion must have been. I know that we will be a family forever. I will do all I can to make sure that I will be worthy.

I know that when the day comes that I meet both my parents again we will have so many stories to tell. I know that they will be looking after me for the rest of my earthly life. There will forever be a piece of my heart that will ache because I miss them.  But I do not weep thinking that they are sad. I know that they are together.

My mom was a woman who did all she could to please her Heavenly Father and our Savior. She often sang the words” I want to be a window to his love, so when you look at me you will see him” And she was. People knew our Savior’s love because of the Love that my mom showed and so freely gave. I will strive so that something similar can be said about myself someday.

I know everyone here was somehow touched, inspired or taught by Gail.

I am so glad that she is no longer in pain here on this earth. She fought so hard. She did so much.

And now she is with my dad smiling.

Oh how I miss her. Not a day will go by when I won’t think of her, for I truly am who I am today because of her.

I love her more than words can express. And I anxiously wait for the day when we will meet again in a loving embrace.

But until then she will live on here on this earth through the memories and stories that we share.

I am so grateful for my Savior and that through him I will be with my darling mother forever. 

Walk on with hope in your heart

Well. I am still here in California. My sweet mother is declining fast. Which is bitter sweet. Sweet becuase she is comfortable but bitter becuase everyday is closer to losing her. I am trying to just treasure the time I have. It is hard but there are so many tender mercies.
My mom hasn't said really anything the last two days. When I was first here she could at least say yes and no and laugh and smile. But lately it hasn't been anything. But today I looked at my mom in the eyes and said, "I love you mom." She looked at me and mustered all her energy and was able to breathily say, "Love you."

I have been trying to stay busy. We are getting things together for a garage sale this weekend so that we can have money to help pay for her funeral and other costs that will be coming sooner than I want to admit or believe.
I have had SO many lovely people helping me. I can't even put into words the gratitude I have for the love I have felt. I just keep thinking, "What in the world would I do without all the support I have?" Thank goodness for my church. Thank goodness for my husband and his family and their love and help. Thank goodness for my darling brother who is doing all he can to survive this too. Thank goodness for friends. ... no thank the Lord. He knows I couldn't do it alone.

The hardest times are when I am alone like now. My sweet mom is asleep and I am left to think. Left to sift out my memories and thoughts on my own. I know I will be ok. I know all of this is for my benefit and will help me to be stronger. But it is all still hard.
Deciding which of my childhood memories I need to throw away or try to sell makes my stomach sick. If i didn't have people shoveling food down my throat I don't know if I would eat.
But I know they are just belongings. They are just things. The memories I have will last forever.

I am still trying to compile memories/stories/pictures that people have of my mom so I can make a book.
It has been so sweet to read the things people have said about my mom.
She really is such a lovely lady. She has touched so many people's lives. She has blessed so many.
But I am sure my dad misses her terribly. What a sweet reunion that will be.
I know when she does pass it will be a shock. How do I properly prepare for that?
I have no idea. I just keep trying to keep my faith in the Savior. I know he is holding me close. I know that is how I am getting through. I know that this will help me to be a stronger and better person.
Right? right.

Ah.

My mom used to sing that song from Carousel all the time. On TV they are playing clips from Rodgers and Hammerstein's musicals. It is making me smile. Reminds me of my mom. I can hear her singing as clear as day in my mind. Even though she is sleeping right now I am convinced she can hear what we are watching. I think it is making her as happy as it is making me.

"When you walk through a storm keep your head up high and don't be afraid of the storm....
You'll never walk alone"



You'll Never Walk Alone by Rodgers & Hammerstein

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

Beautiful Sabbath Day

It is a beautiful day here in California. Mom is the same as I said last night. Still barely eating. Still very weak.

This morning when I got home from church I read mom some of the letters and memories that people have been sending me about her.
Though she cannot speak and doesn't respond well I could see as I read that she understood. She kept moving her hands toward me and when I asked if she wanted me to read more she very weakly exclaimed, "Yes" with eager eyes. So I continued. I believe she appreciates hearing all the sweet things people think and remember about her.
I am glad I will be able to compile all these things into a book for my daughter to someday read so she may know more about Grandma Gail through the memories and pictures that others have given to me.

As I went to church I thought of the words to the Hymn "Be Still My Soul."
I looked them up and I love so much the message that this sweet tells.

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine."

Carry on

Things are going forward around here. Mom is declining fast. Each day she talks less, understands less and eats less. But I can tell when she is happy. I can tell when she is happy to see someone or something.

A wonderful treat came in the Mail yesterday from my mom's childhood friend Candi. Some DELICIOUS cookies. They made my mom very happy!

Her appetite was very poor today. Yesterday she was able to eat this cookie. One of the last solid types of food I have seen her eat. Today she mostly ate a milk shake and some broth.

 Little Adelaide makes mom happy. Up until today mom would be able to say, "I love baby" or "I love Addie". Today was the first time she really has not been saying much.


Mom still is the same Gail when she is coherent even though she can't seem to talk. Today while my friend and I were changing mom we pulled her up in the bed using a blanket. To lighten the mood I yelled, "WEEEE." My mom looked at me Raised her eye brows and pretended to wave her hands around like it was a ride. HA. It was a very subtle and very weak but it was my moms humor none the less.

Today we had a few wonderful visitors. I really truly have felt so much love. I am so grateful for that. It is so nice to not have to feel alone.

One of the hardest parts is when I "warn" people about my mom's condition and try to get them ready to see her in the state she is in. It is hard becuase I can always tell when they finally do go in and see her that all the words in the world could not really be enough preparation. It is hard to see anyone like that. It is especially hard when I remember that it is my mom laying there. 

I keep going on thinking that she will be getting better soon.

I go on thinking all our plans will soon be able to be fulfilled. It is hard to think that she is leaving this earth forever. 

So I try to not think about it and just focus on trying to make things the best now for her. 

I am so grateful for the Lord. I am grateful for my knowledge that this life is not the end. 

I know that it won't make losing my mom any less painful but it helps me get through, It helps me to carry on.

It helps me to feel loved. 

Elder Richard G Scott said the following;

"The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment."

I know that I am growing and learning. I know that life is not horrible. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. He wants me to be happy. And he wants my mom to be happy too. He loves her. This is all apart of his plan. I know that with all my heart. And I take comfort in knowing that these things will help me to become stronger. Even though right now I feel so very weak. Even though this is hard.

I know that despite everything. I am not alone. 

I have my friends and the wonderful people in the church. 

I have my sweet handsome husband. 

I have family... on both sides of the veil.

Most importantly I have my Savior. 

I found this awesome picture today of me and my daddy. It gave me such joy and comfort to see his face.

I really like this song right now:

http://youtu.be/q7yCLn-O-Y0

California Dreaming

I figure that writing may be a good way to deal with my emotions and things. So my new goal is to try and take advantage of my blog a bit more.
So I am California for a bit with my mom.
Adelaide and I flew in on Tuesday. Flying with an infant by yourself is definitely a challenge but people were very helpful.

I arrived here and was a little caught off guard to find my mom the way she is. She is just a lot less independent than how she was when I was here last. She is in a hospital bed in the living room and she is more or less confined to it.
My first night we tried to get her up to maybe go to the bathroom but she is too weak. It takes two people to even change her.
She is not able to talk super well either. It depends on the time of day but I haven't heard her say more then a 5 or 6 word sentence. And that is very rare. Mostly I just get yes or nos and a lot of smiles or "wide eyes" to signal no.

My brother has been doing a lot here. He does the dishes. And gets her care.
She has really gone down hill quite fast. It is pretty crazy when I think that only a few months ago she was walking and talking with me in Utah at Addie's baby blessing.

It is a gloomy day here in California. But still beautiful. The rain here has always brought me comfort. I think its beautiful the way the earth can soothe itself. Just like tears can soothe our hurting soul.

I love when my mom is coherent and when she smiles. It is not often but it occurs. She looked at me yesterday, smiled and said,"You are so beautiful." A memory to treasure forever.
She also looked at me and said, "Addie is so beautiful."
Another time she said, "She looks like me."

Everyday she seems a little more out of it. She tried to use her water bottle like it was a spout for lotion today. But on tuesday she smiled and laughed and even tried to joke with me.
Today she also ate her bread with jelly with a spoon. And refused to open her mouth to take her pills. Even though She looked like she was trying to open her mouth.

As I drive around Hemet I am reminded  of so many sweet memories. I am brought back to sweaty summers with beach trips and fried chicken and Christmas's with sunshine and hot cider.
So many beautiful times. I want to bottle it up. Hold it in my hand and keep it forever. I want to relive so many days over again just to help me remember. Just to let it engulf me in its tender sweetness one more time.

Addie has been my best friend while I am here. She has been my support. She has given me joy and she has given mom joy too.

There have so many kind people who have stopped by and called. I am so grateful. I can't say Thank you enough. I have such a testimony in friendship. God truly blesses us with good people as we go through life changing trials.

But I know that all these things are for our benefit  All these things make us stronger. All these things help us to grow.
I am grateful that the Lord loves me. I know that is what will get me through.
He shows his love through so many other wonderful people, through tender mercies and miracles and through my lovely daughter Addie.

I am so blessed. I really am. Though things are tough I just keep being reminded of all the blessings I truly have.

The happiest place on earth

This video of Addie is her doing tummy time. She can't crawl. I don't think she is even close BUT it is cute to watch her little legs. :)

Hello Again! I am not a very good blog writer. I should work on that!

All is well here. Adjusting to living in a new place still. We just got back from a fun trip to Disney world. It was Addie and My first time there! And it was surreal. It was so fun. I didn't want to come home. I can't remember the last time I have had that much fun. We went on so many rides and saw so many things! Addie LOVED it. She just took it all in. She was so happy to be apart of it all. She would look around and coo and talk. I think her favorite ride was the haunted mansion ride. She just stared at all the ghosts like they were the coolest thing she had ever seen. 

She was so funny. She would get a bit fussy or tired and we would go on a ride and she would stop and start smiling. The Tiki room was also Addie approved. She was fussy but as soon as those birds started singing... Addie was all excited. She started talking to them and smiling. She loved it.

I think one of the greatest joys as a Mom is to watch my child smile. I would do anything to see her laugh and smile.

She loved being with her family. All of them. ah. It just makes me so happy to know that she is so loved. 

So yeah.. Disney was pretty awesome. I honestly can't think of a more fun place. It was just the greatest. I can't say it enough. I was so happy there! Can we live there? Please!?

 I have a lot of pictures that I have yet to upload... SO here a few I took with my phone. 

worn out baby

On the Casey the engine train with Daddy

first time! Outside Epcot

The Castle... 

On the Dumbo ride.

In other monumental news... Feb. 13th on the plane to Disney I realized... Addie's first tooth had popped through! And as of Feb. 26th Addie's 2nd tooth has popped through!

She is not loving teething but she really is a good baby. She is relatively always happy. 

She LOVES to sit and play with her toys. She loves books. She loves to be read to and talked to. She loves to be sang to.

Life is good. We are getting by. 

Many of you may or may not know my mom has been diagnosed with lung cancer. It has been a rough month and a half. Disney was a wonderful vacation from my troubles. But life goes on and she is progressing. We called in hospice today. 

I am just so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I would not be able to do this without the knowledge that we will be a family forever. 

I am so grateful that there have been so many people helping her out while I am not there. There have been so many sweet letters and packages. There have been visits and so many meals. I am so grateful. And my mom's one wonderful friend comes everyday and bathes her and visits with her. I cannot fully express my gratitude for the kindness we have been shown. I know my mom appreciates it. I know she feels so loved. 

I know my dad is close by my mom. I know its hard for him to see her so sick. 

It is hard for all of us.

But she is a trooper. She still manages to make me smile. We talk often on the phone. She has her same sense of humor. And we get some good laughs in before she needs to rest. She is such a wonderful woman. 

I will forever Thank the Lord that she was able to meet Adelaide here in this life. I will forever treasure the times the 3 of us are able to spend together. 

I am grateful that God helps us through our trials. I know we are never alone. There is a true plan of happiness that he set up for us. And we can be with our families forever. I know that. I am so grateful.

We are never alone. Never. Despite how scared, sad or empty we may feel. We have never been forgotten. 

I need to keep that in my mind. And keep my faith strong. 

I pray that I can do so.

Here are some more pictures of my sweet baby girl for your enjoyment.

Thank you all for your love.

sitting up like a champ

Dad built her a fort... yeah I came home from a Relief society activity and this is what i found... I love my sweet husband. He always makes me smile. 

She likes celery. Go figure

She is so expressive

Sitting... playing. Doing her thing. 

Wearing the dress Grandma Gail got for her for Christmas

Addie as a star wars Character 

and... yeah. She has some pretty great Aunts. :)