After someone dies there are a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. Trying to go back to "normal" is tough especially becuase the "normal" you are looking for is gone. You have to just sink into a new phase in life... a new normal.
I find myself constantly feeling like I need to call someone. Anyone, to tell them about my day, my life, things. And then I remember, sadly, that I don't need to do that any more. It is a tough habit to break.
One way I tried coping with this pit in my stomach from the loss of my mom, was by just pushing people away. Not having feelings. Apathy? Numbness? I wanted that. Anything was better then this pain.
I soon realized how bad that was. I am slowly adjusting.
I found this talk this evening by Elder Nelson on death. Here is the link if you would like to read it. It is beautifully written and very comforting.
I really enjoyed this quote, " we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."
I don't want Love gone from my life. I pondered on this idea and thought all evening about it.
I have only gotten through my life with the love and support from others.
I wouldn't trade the Love I have in my life for anything.
And then I thought, I hope with all my heart people know how grateful I am to them for their love.
My friends and family are everything to me. Sometimes I just take that for granted and I never want that.
On my long drive home I recalled the people who held me up these past few months.
I have such amazing friends. All my lovely friends here from Church here who text and call me. Who help watch my baby. Who make me smile. They mean the world to me. Thank you. You know who you are. And you are awesome.
My friends from high school who still keep in touch and who send me texts every so often just to say they love me. Martina sends me a text almost everyday and it seriously does make me smile. Holly and Heather constantly write on my instagram and I feel so important!
I thought back to March. I try to avoid thinking about my mom's passing. But as I thought I recalled some beautiful memories.
All my "Ladies" who stood in as my mother figures through everything. Shauna, Janelle, Anne, Karen, Cherilee, Lisa, Dana, and Connie. (just to name a few...) Who brought me food, magazines. Who sat with me as I went through my mom's clothes. Who helped me sell my mom's possessions. Who drove me around. Who hugged me. Who made me feel important. I didn't have to be alone becuase God sent me angels to hold me up.
There were so many people who came and supported us at the yard sale too. So many people who wrote me on face book and talked to me. So many people I didn't know well or who I hadn't spoke to in years who showed up and showed me love. Showed me service. Acted like our Savior. Helped me to feel his love.
My sweet mother in law. She is constantly giving to me. But As I thought back to March. I realized I could not have survived that month without her. She kept me a float. She kept me grounded. She made me laugh as I walked to the funeral home to make arrangements. She helped me feel peace as I left for the funeral. She held my hand. She treated me as if I was her daughter. And she still does. To this day.
I am so blessed.
My little brother. He was and still is so strong. Through all his trials he still calls me and he still supports me. And shows me love. I am grateful to him. My aunt and uncle. Showed me love and still call and check up on me. It was so good to have my Aunt with us when mom Passed. We needed her. She was a sound person to help us figure out what to do. Especially with Jimmy and I being so young. We act tough but we are still kids in many ways.
Danny g. I don't know what I would have done without him. His constant support meant so much too.
Jenna stood beside me (literally) and sang with me. Mom loved our voices. I love Jenna's love. I love everything about that girl and the support she gave/gives me.
Rachel D. sent me the best encouraging pictures and messages. They made me feel loved and happy even through the difficult times. I won't forget that or the pictures.
Tay and Danny m. Sat beside me till the funeral home came for my mom. I didn't have to be alone. I had their hands holding mine. I had their love keeping me strong. I won't ever forget that.
How Do I say thank you to these people who helped me survive one of the hardest months of my life? There were so many people. So many more then I even mentioned here. How do I say thank you to the friends who help me now get through? Thank you is not enough. I am forever in debited with gratitude to these people. To my Lord... for sending me such sweet friends who help me feel such love.
Most of all how do I thank Eric? Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew we would need each other. Day by day i realize how important Eric is to me. How wonderful, loving, caring and supportive he is. He is my everything. I don't think I tell him enough. I don't think I could ever say I love him enough. He is the best husband and father for Addie that I could ever ask for.
He has been my strength through these past few months. A sounding board. A shoulder to cry on. A friend.
I truly can't say thank you enough.
I just hope that all of you who happen to read this know what you mean to me. Please know that I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am so grateful.
You all have done so much. Whether it has been sending me a text or physically holding my hand. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without all the love I have had.
The small things and the big things have meant so much.
I wish Thank you could better explain how I feel.
I truly love my life. I love the people in it. I love that God has gotten me through.
Thank you for being patient with me as I am healing and adjusting from the sorrow my Mother's passing has caused me.
Thank you for understanding and for accepting me as I am. which is a little broken but not damaged.
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