All you need is love

The year anniversary of my Mother's death came and went. I made it through... I survived.
Eric went out and bought me diet coke and a box of chocolates. He loaded Addie and I into the car early Saturday morning. We drove 3 hours to the Columbus Ohio Temple where I went in and did a session. While inside I felt peace and comfort from My heavenly Father. I was reminded of God's greater plan for us and that despite the fact that my mom is not here now with me on earth she is in fact my mother forever. And I am sure she is near me more then I know.
After the temple we went to downtown Columbus and found an adorable cupcake shop where we stopped and tried some really interestingly delicious cupcakes. One was a chocolate potato chip cupcake. I know I was hesitant to try it as well but it was delicious.
Our drive home was peaceful. We talked, sang princess music and enjoyed being a little family.
I spent the evening looking through old photos. Reminiscing on days long ago.
I am so chose to go to the temple on the anniversary of my Mom's death. A friend of mine a few years back went to the temple after her husband died. That always stuck with me, her example. The temple can bring us blessings and on difficult days that is what we need. I think there is no where else my mom would have rather had me. She was always going to the temple herself. She loved the temple so much and I am grateful for her and my friends positive influences in my life. That was where I needed to be Saturday. I am glad I have such a wonderful husband who made it happen.

      I watched little Adelaide run up to me, grab my hand and pull me over to a her books this morning. I smiled as she slowly backed up into my lap. She nestled her head into my shoulder and tried to read along with me as I told her what was written in her book. I laughed as she got up half way through to switch out books.
My mom once had similar experiences with me. My mom once held my hand and walked as I pulled her around. My mom once had me jump into her lap and have me sing her songs with my nonsensical words. My mom once kissed my neck as I kiss Addie's and whispered that she loved me in my ear. I don't have definitive memories of this but as I go about my days with my daughter I have this nostalgia from long ago. And this understanding that my overwhelming love for Addie is what my mom had for me. When my mom told me that I was her sunshine, She meant it. I know that becuase I mean it when I say it to Addie.

We all have that one person in our lives who loves us unconditionally and makes us feel like we really are special.  I was truly loved by my mother. Even though I didn't recognize it all the time.
I am not the most confident of people. I can be very hard on myself and I don't always think of myself in the most positive of lights. But my mother always had something kind to say. Now she had "tough loving" (unintentionally harsh) things to say too but She never went a phone call or conversation without saying she loved me. Becuase no matter how rude or cruel or ignorant or stupid or clumsy I was, my mom loved me.
I am grateful I had that love. To have felt that feeling of acceptance.

I don't have everything going my way. Earlier I just sat with my face in my hands and cried. I wish I knew what the future holds. I wish I knew how I was going to get through everything going on right now. But as I prayed and contemplated my trials I felt love. I have love from my amazing husband and daughter. And from friends.And my Brother who takes time to call me and chat.
 But most of all I have love from My Heavenly Father. And though I feel like my best is not enough right now, it is enough for him. He loves me. I know that there will be sunshine tomorrow and my unknown future is in good hands.

My mother taught me many many things. We didn't always see eye to eye. We had some pretty rough periods in our relationship to be honest, but she was always my best friend. She was a good, faithful and loving lady. And she taught me to have hope and delight in my Savior.

I pray that if I can do at least one thing right it will be to help Adelaide to love everyone and to trust in the Lord.




"All you need is Love."
Love can't solve all my problems unfortunately but Love can bring a smile to my face after a very difficult day. Love can make me feel better when I feel so very down on myself. Love can encourage me to keep going.
And keep going I will.

My Mommy. Words can't express how much I miss her. 

Thank goodness for the Love and Lessons she taught me. 

We keep the memories

I initially started this blog for my mom. I knew how much she loved seeing pictures and reading stories. I think that is why it is hard sometimes for me to update becuase instead of writing for her, I find myself always writing about her. And it is probably good for me to do that but it hurts. Thinking about her is still so painful. Saturday marks the YEAR anniversary. I can't even believe it has been that long since I last saw her.

I feel her near me a lot. In my mind I can almost hear her laughing when Addie does something silly or when I embarrass myself. Sometimes driving alone I can imagine her singing along with me to the radio or pretending to hit the brakes when I come just a little too close to the car in front of me. The memories are all so strong and yet I can feel them slowly fading. Her voice is hard to remember at times but then again I can hear it plain as day at other moments.
I know she lives on with me. I know that her memories and the things she taught me will stay here with me in my heart. I don't want to stop talking about her. Sometimes I fear I may annoy people when I talk about her as much as I do but I don't want to forget. I need to write out my thoughts. I need to not push away my pain and instead I need to try and embrace my loss. I need to face reality of my life without her present.
We all break down, but what matters is how we get back up after. I am strong, I had a great mother who taught me well and a loving Heavenly Father who supports me when I can't do it alone.



As for other things in my life... Adelaide is getting so big. She has the greatest personality.
Hmmm Here are so pretty fun Addie stories:

The other day she laid next to me in my bed and started pretending to snore. Then she looked at me and laughed.

She was looking at her Minnie Mouse doll and pointed to the doll's princess hat. She looked at me and said, "Mama Hat!" and then pointed to her hat that was sitting near me. So, as commanded, I handed her the hat and she put it on and started dancing around the room.

She came up to me with her toy tea cup and said, "Momma Wa wa." So I filled her tiny cup with a little bit of water. She took a sip and then poured the rest of the water out onto the bathroom floor. "Mama wa wa" She said and made the more sign with her hands before handing me her tiny pink cup again. "Adleaide it looks like you already had water in that cup put chose to pour it on the ground. So I am not going to give you any more water." She looked at me and then the ground. She bent down and started trying to put the spilt water back into the cup. When she was satisfied that her cup was now full with the spilt water and that she had fixed her mistake she handed me her cup again. "Mama wa wa."

I called Eric on a lunch break and he handed the phone to Adelaide.
This was our conversation.
"Hello?"
"Ma Ma?"
"HI ADDIE!"
"Ma Ma?"
"Hi Sweetie how are you?"
"Hello? mom Hello?"
"Are you having a good day?"
"Hello? yes mom mom Hello?"
"Have you played with dad today?"
"uh huh. yes yes"
"Did he sing to you?""
pause....  Then I hear a faint sound... I realize its Addie singing to me "Babby babby babay bay beeeee"
"Oh Addie that was beautiful!"
another pause and then I hear her say "BYE!" Then she hands the phone back to Eric.

Addie loves to watch Frozen and always tries to sing along with the songs. We play the music in the car while we drive a lot to. At the end of the song "Love is an open Door" The character Ana says yes after Hans asks her to marry him. Addie will ALWAYS join in and say yes with her.
When let it go comes on Addie will dance uncontrollably and flail her arms and yell"GO GO GO GO!"


She is truly the sunshine of my life. I am just so grateful to have the opportunity to be her mom and to learn from her everyday.


The past few months with my long commute I have had the chance to catch up with a lot of my friends while I drive to and from the city everyday.
My favorite thing is that I have realized that I really do have the greatest friends.
My 4 friends from High school I call a lot are Holly, Heather, Taylor and Martina. It is so funny becuase I can not talk to them for a while but as soon as we say hello on the phone it as if there has been no time gone by. I was laughing with Holly the other day that we hadn't seen each other in almost 7 years but I still feel so close to her.
I am so blessed to have such great friends who love me enough to take the time to talk to me.
I know this year hasn't been easy and I have had bad days and good days but they have stuck beside me and understood.
And not just those 4 too. All my close friends. I try and rotate everyday calling someone so I don't have to drive "alone". I know it's a sacrifice for them to take the time time to listen to me and I am so grateful that I have love and support in my life.

God has given me so many blessings. I know I say that a lot. But whenever I find myself writing a blog post and reflecting on my life I realize more and more how much I have been blessed. Yes, I have had a lot of hard times this year. While I wasn't hurt in my car crash, my poor car is totaled. I have gotten closer to friends but there are others I have tragically grown apart from. Though I have learned a lot and become stronger, I still miss my mom everyday.
I truly believe we need to have pain so we can more fully appreciate the good times and the pleasures of this beautiful life. 

I am so grateful for the memories.  I am grateful for the memories I have with my mom and my dad. I am grateful for the ones my brother and I can reflect on and laugh. I am grateful to the memories my dear friends and I have shared and that can still bring smiles to our faces. I am grateful for the memories my daughter and I are making together. I am grateful to the memories my husband and I are have.
I am grateful for the future memories that are yet to come.

Life is to be lived and enjoyed.
I am grateful to the Lord for my wonderful life.