We keep the memories

I initially started this blog for my mom. I knew how much she loved seeing pictures and reading stories. I think that is why it is hard sometimes for me to update becuase instead of writing for her, I find myself always writing about her. And it is probably good for me to do that but it hurts. Thinking about her is still so painful. Saturday marks the YEAR anniversary. I can't even believe it has been that long since I last saw her.

I feel her near me a lot. In my mind I can almost hear her laughing when Addie does something silly or when I embarrass myself. Sometimes driving alone I can imagine her singing along with me to the radio or pretending to hit the brakes when I come just a little too close to the car in front of me. The memories are all so strong and yet I can feel them slowly fading. Her voice is hard to remember at times but then again I can hear it plain as day at other moments.
I know she lives on with me. I know that her memories and the things she taught me will stay here with me in my heart. I don't want to stop talking about her. Sometimes I fear I may annoy people when I talk about her as much as I do but I don't want to forget. I need to write out my thoughts. I need to not push away my pain and instead I need to try and embrace my loss. I need to face reality of my life without her present.
We all break down, but what matters is how we get back up after. I am strong, I had a great mother who taught me well and a loving Heavenly Father who supports me when I can't do it alone.



As for other things in my life... Adelaide is getting so big. She has the greatest personality.
Hmmm Here are so pretty fun Addie stories:

The other day she laid next to me in my bed and started pretending to snore. Then she looked at me and laughed.

She was looking at her Minnie Mouse doll and pointed to the doll's princess hat. She looked at me and said, "Mama Hat!" and then pointed to her hat that was sitting near me. So, as commanded, I handed her the hat and she put it on and started dancing around the room.

She came up to me with her toy tea cup and said, "Momma Wa wa." So I filled her tiny cup with a little bit of water. She took a sip and then poured the rest of the water out onto the bathroom floor. "Mama wa wa" She said and made the more sign with her hands before handing me her tiny pink cup again. "Adleaide it looks like you already had water in that cup put chose to pour it on the ground. So I am not going to give you any more water." She looked at me and then the ground. She bent down and started trying to put the spilt water back into the cup. When she was satisfied that her cup was now full with the spilt water and that she had fixed her mistake she handed me her cup again. "Mama wa wa."

I called Eric on a lunch break and he handed the phone to Adelaide.
This was our conversation.
"Hello?"
"Ma Ma?"
"HI ADDIE!"
"Ma Ma?"
"Hi Sweetie how are you?"
"Hello? mom Hello?"
"Are you having a good day?"
"Hello? yes mom mom Hello?"
"Have you played with dad today?"
"uh huh. yes yes"
"Did he sing to you?""
pause....  Then I hear a faint sound... I realize its Addie singing to me "Babby babby babay bay beeeee"
"Oh Addie that was beautiful!"
another pause and then I hear her say "BYE!" Then she hands the phone back to Eric.

Addie loves to watch Frozen and always tries to sing along with the songs. We play the music in the car while we drive a lot to. At the end of the song "Love is an open Door" The character Ana says yes after Hans asks her to marry him. Addie will ALWAYS join in and say yes with her.
When let it go comes on Addie will dance uncontrollably and flail her arms and yell"GO GO GO GO!"


She is truly the sunshine of my life. I am just so grateful to have the opportunity to be her mom and to learn from her everyday.


The past few months with my long commute I have had the chance to catch up with a lot of my friends while I drive to and from the city everyday.
My favorite thing is that I have realized that I really do have the greatest friends.
My 4 friends from High school I call a lot are Holly, Heather, Taylor and Martina. It is so funny becuase I can not talk to them for a while but as soon as we say hello on the phone it as if there has been no time gone by. I was laughing with Holly the other day that we hadn't seen each other in almost 7 years but I still feel so close to her.
I am so blessed to have such great friends who love me enough to take the time to talk to me.
I know this year hasn't been easy and I have had bad days and good days but they have stuck beside me and understood.
And not just those 4 too. All my close friends. I try and rotate everyday calling someone so I don't have to drive "alone". I know it's a sacrifice for them to take the time time to listen to me and I am so grateful that I have love and support in my life.

God has given me so many blessings. I know I say that a lot. But whenever I find myself writing a blog post and reflecting on my life I realize more and more how much I have been blessed. Yes, I have had a lot of hard times this year. While I wasn't hurt in my car crash, my poor car is totaled. I have gotten closer to friends but there are others I have tragically grown apart from. Though I have learned a lot and become stronger, I still miss my mom everyday.
I truly believe we need to have pain so we can more fully appreciate the good times and the pleasures of this beautiful life. 

I am so grateful for the memories.  I am grateful for the memories I have with my mom and my dad. I am grateful for the ones my brother and I can reflect on and laugh. I am grateful to the memories my dear friends and I have shared and that can still bring smiles to our faces. I am grateful for the memories my daughter and I are making together. I am grateful to the memories my husband and I are have.
I am grateful for the future memories that are yet to come.

Life is to be lived and enjoyed.
I am grateful to the Lord for my wonderful life.