I think all day of the eloquent way I will contrive my mixed emotions into sentences of meaning. And then I find myself staring blankly at my computer, unable to find those once so carefully selected words.
They have somehow just floated away from my mind. And I am left apathetic really.
My drives to and from the city give me too much time to think. I am grateful to my kind friends who will occasionally sacrifice their time to talk to me. But there are still voids. Times when all I can hear are words going through my mind. Memories, thoughts... things I want to stay buried.
I don't like the drive. I don't like to be alone. I haven't always felt that way. I will get back to normal. I just have to give it time.
Life seems the same as it always is. It is just moving forward. Adelaide walks and talks. She climbs and runs. She is quite the character. As her personality develops I realize what a spunky and fun girl she is. I just adore her so much.
My mom would have adored this fun little girl. I still have to fight the urge to call her and tell her the funny things Addie does or says. Will that ever go away?
Addie loves music. If you sing to her she will stop everything she is doing to listen and try and join in. She loves to listen to the piano. She loves itsy bitsy spider. She loves 5 little monkeys.
My mom always said I loved music too. I wonder what other similarities Addie and I share?
The other day I found a picture of me, my brother and my mom laying on the floor. I asked Eric where that came from. He told me Addie had found the picture on my night desk and had walked around all day talking to it.
That would have made my mom laugh to know Addie had carried her picture around all day.
I have a new calling at church. It is actually an answer to my prayers I realized. I have been asking God to help me to feel closer to him and to find time to study my Scriptures. Well... I am now teaching in Relief Society every month so I HAVE to study and I have found as I do I feel him closer by me. I feel his love more near.
When I first found myself going in front of all the ladies in my congregation to teach I was super nervous. What could I, a young girl have to say of any importance? But as I followed along in my notes I realized that the message from the Prophet was what needed to be told. I was not telling a message from me... but a message from and about God. And while I still think I mumbled and fumbled my way through I have put my trust in God and hope that if I do my part and study hard he will help me to find words to say.
I think the same goes for all things in my life. If I do my part and keep trying God will help me to find the words. I will be led to understand my thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes I feel like the happiest girl ever trying to fight a sad girl from taking over. And it is hard.
I have so many blessing in my life. I have so much to look forward too. I have a beautiful life.
I know God is aware of me and I just have to press forward despite what sadness, heartache or confusion comes my way.
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