California Dreaming

I figure that writing may be a good way to deal with my emotions and things. So my new goal is to try and take advantage of my blog a bit more.
So I am California for a bit with my mom.
Adelaide and I flew in on Tuesday. Flying with an infant by yourself is definitely a challenge but people were very helpful.

I arrived here and was a little caught off guard to find my mom the way she is. She is just a lot less independent than how she was when I was here last. She is in a hospital bed in the living room and she is more or less confined to it.
My first night we tried to get her up to maybe go to the bathroom but she is too weak. It takes two people to even change her.
She is not able to talk super well either. It depends on the time of day but I haven't heard her say more then a 5 or 6 word sentence. And that is very rare. Mostly I just get yes or nos and a lot of smiles or "wide eyes" to signal no.

My brother has been doing a lot here. He does the dishes. And gets her care.
She has really gone down hill quite fast. It is pretty crazy when I think that only a few months ago she was walking and talking with me in Utah at Addie's baby blessing.

It is a gloomy day here in California. But still beautiful. The rain here has always brought me comfort. I think its beautiful the way the earth can soothe itself. Just like tears can soothe our hurting soul.

I love when my mom is coherent and when she smiles. It is not often but it occurs. She looked at me yesterday, smiled and said,"You are so beautiful." A memory to treasure forever.
She also looked at me and said, "Addie is so beautiful."
Another time she said, "She looks like me."

Everyday she seems a little more out of it. She tried to use her water bottle like it was a spout for lotion today. But on tuesday she smiled and laughed and even tried to joke with me.
Today she also ate her bread with jelly with a spoon. And refused to open her mouth to take her pills. Even though She looked like she was trying to open her mouth.

As I drive around Hemet I am reminded  of so many sweet memories. I am brought back to sweaty summers with beach trips and fried chicken and Christmas's with sunshine and hot cider.
So many beautiful times. I want to bottle it up. Hold it in my hand and keep it forever. I want to relive so many days over again just to help me remember. Just to let it engulf me in its tender sweetness one more time.

Addie has been my best friend while I am here. She has been my support. She has given me joy and she has given mom joy too.

There have so many kind people who have stopped by and called. I am so grateful. I can't say Thank you enough. I have such a testimony in friendship. God truly blesses us with good people as we go through life changing trials.

But I know that all these things are for our benefit  All these things make us stronger. All these things help us to grow.
I am grateful that the Lord loves me. I know that is what will get me through.
He shows his love through so many other wonderful people, through tender mercies and miracles and through my lovely daughter Addie.

I am so blessed. I really am. Though things are tough I just keep being reminded of all the blessings I truly have.