I will eventually find the words

So I know it has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. I have a million things I want to say and yet I feel the words can't be found. So I just don't say anything.
So today I decided to just write a little bit. And then we can go from here.
I have so many thoughts. So many things in my mind. I wish I could find a way to make sense of it all. So I just keep going each day. Trusting the God will help me. Trusting that I am ok.

Adelaide is 10 months old. She is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter. I love her more and more everyday. She has the greatest personality. When I give her baths at night she looks me in the eyes like we are old friends and laughs with me while she falls on her bum splashing soapy water all over the floor. Her eyes have this twinkle in them. This twinkle of happiness and love. I want to capture her light and keep it with me always. Her tender little spirit warms my heart.
I often do not feel worthy to be her mother. I do not feel like I do enough. I feel like I fail constantly. And yet every morning she smiles when she sees me. She hugs me tight and buries her face into my neck. I am so grateful for her love. She sees in me what I can't quite see in myself. She loves me regardless of my short comings. I want to be the best. I want to be everything for her. And I try so hard. But I know I fall short. I beat myself up over that. But I will keep trying. That is all I can do.

I try and stay busy. I try and visit people or go out a lot. I try and keep my mind focused on anything and everything. I try to not let it wander. I try to not think about my mom. Though that is impossible. But I can fake it pretty well.

I know that I am okay. I am only okay becuase the Lord has helped me through. Every day I can get up and face the day becuase the Lord gives me strength. I have a great life. I have so many blessings.
Despite my many many many short comings I have a wonderful husband who loves me and stands by me and a daughter who is always smiling.
Dark days come and try to consume me into a state of self pitying and loathing. But God sends me tender mercies and miracles in the shape of friends who help rescue me.

I have been working really hard on trying to get into better physical shape. I go to the local YMCA. I have been doing great. Exercise is really good for me and helps me to focus.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father and all he has blessed me with. I am so grateful for everyday. Things get tough. Life is not always easy and depression can get its ugly grasp around all of us every once in a while. But I know this life is not the end. I am so grateful for that.

I think that as I try to utilize this blog more and express my thoughts, I will eventually find the words. The words that will help me feel alive. Help me to make sense of myself. The words that will help me to heal. I will eventually find the words that my heart and spirit need me to set free.