Confessions of an Imperfect person

I am not sure if it was becuase it was raining so hard on my long commute home tonight, or if it was becuase I just have been down on myself lately, but whatever the reason I found myself feeling very alone. As it was 11pm at night I didn't have anyone to talk to on the phone and my "Tape adapter" that I can plug my phone into so I can listen to music just recently decided to break.
     So I drove in silence listening only to the rain beat against my windshield. Every now and then lightning flashed across the sky in front of my path. I felt very tense driving. Puddles were forming in pockets all over the road. I kept imaging hitting one puddle just the right way and how I could easily hydro plane into a wall. I was nervous and cautious and some where through all of those thoughts tears started running down my face. "Why? What is this? Why am I crying", I asked myself out loud only to be drowned out by the rattling raindrops racing down to the earth.
        I feel like I am pretty great actress. Always have been really. I feel confident in that. I am so good in fact, that I fool myself at times to believe that I am emotionally better then I really am. Alone in my large van driving in high anxiety weather I started to realize that sometimes I tell myself that I am okay, and I may not be as Okay as I can convince myself I am.
       I work full time down in the city. I am genuinely blessed to have a job. And such a good job with really great coworkers. Especially becuase I don't have a degree. But tonight I felt the sadness that my heart really has. This sadness that Actress Janelle has been hiding from herself. I miss my daughter so badly. I want with every desire in my soul to be with her and not have to work so long and much. I come home and sit in my room trying to sleep and I contemplate what she ate for dinner. How she liked it. What her face looked like when she realized that her food was good. What her face looked like when her tummy got full. What words did she learn today? What connections to the world around us did she make? Does she know that I love her? Does she know that I would do anything to make her happy?
       I told her earlier this afternoon that I had to go to work. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said," Okay bye." Short and sweet just like her. I told myself that it was fine and I am blessed that she is so ok with me leaving. Other kids her age are known to have really bad separation problems. But on this lonely ride home tonight I felt the pain that little things like such cause me. And tears fell from my eyes.
       My mom always worked. My entire childhood. I didn't realize then what a sacrifice that was for my mom. I know she loved us so. I am sure sending us to "summer day camp" was never easy on her. I am sure she wished she had been there, wished she could have taken care of us, played with us and watched us grow everyday. She worked so hard for us. She always told me to do everything I could to be at home with my children. She was speaking from experience. I know that now.
       But sometimes there is nothing you can do. And I know that. And I don't normally let it get me down. But tonight it made me sad. I missed my Addie. Tonight I feel like a terrible mom. Tonight I feel like I can't measure up. Tonight I feel like my best will never be enough. Tonight I miss my mom. Tonight I feel alone.
        I listened to NPR on my way to work today. this successful woman was talking about how to be a successful woman in the work place. It was an empowering segment and I enjoyed her advice on how to have more confidence. I lack that quite a bit. Obviously. At one point she spoke of an experience where she was feeling so down and she called her dad who gave her great advice and he gave her courage to go forward and it helped her to be this super successful powerhouse work lady that she is. My tough actress heart sank. And I felt my inner child ask, "But who can I go to when I need to feel better about myself?"
       That went through my mind all day at work as I filled out paper work. It rang in my ears as I inputed information in my computer. And it sat in my chest burning as I drove home through the bullet raindrops which exploded with pure anxiety into the pit of my stomach.
       I made it home and sat on the couch. I grabbed my laptop and soon I found myself on LDS.org. The first few messages I saw were about mothers. How they are divine, wonderful and amazing. All things I feel do not describe me or my mothering skills. I watched a beautiful mormon Message about how Mother's are doing God's work and while it made me feel less anxious I still felt overwhelmed and like I will never be... can never be what I want to be, what others want me to be. I just can't measure up.

       Then I watched a video By Sister Dalton who Ran the Boston Marathon. She talked about how she felt so alone and started crying during the race. She said she didn't feel like she could do it and she was very discouraged. She said that She said a prayer and the words came to her "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not afraid. For I am thy God and will still give thee Aid. I will strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."
        As I was driving through the storm this evening I too offered a prayer. And As I sat here listening to Sister Dalton I realized that these words have played through my mind many times. I know that God is always with me. I REALLY KNOW THAT! I know that GOD KNOWS I am trying my best. And I may not measure up to other people's thoughts, views or expectations but I am doing my best and That is good enough for my Heavenly Father. I came across "D&C 24:8 Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."
       As I drove crying, feeling pain and inadequacy in my heart from the little troubles in my life... I was not alone. And I am glad I was honest with myself on how I felt becuase now I can take a deep breath and go on. Press on. Endure. I am okay. I am not alone.
       All things are for my benefit and learning. THIS LIFE IS NOT THE END! I have a blessed and I have glorious life. And though I have sad moments I am so grateful that I know that God is aware of me.
      We have had some great blessings lately. Eric is going to be starting his Masters program soon! We will be getting our own apartment. I am a supervisor now at work! Addie is super smart, loves to dance and sing! She is always making us smile.

         This rainstorm was glorious. It helped bring some clarity to my aching soul. It helped me to try to see myself in a brighter light, the kind of light my Savior sees me in.
     I am far from perfect but I know he loves me. And despite all my weaknesses, fumbles and mess ups he is still beside me. I know I don't think too highly of myself but I hope I can start to see myself as God sees me. I know that I can always turn to my Heavenly father.

                          I am grateful for the rain that has helped me to clear my mind.

Here is the Link to the Video of Sister Dalton

All you need is love

The year anniversary of my Mother's death came and went. I made it through... I survived.
Eric went out and bought me diet coke and a box of chocolates. He loaded Addie and I into the car early Saturday morning. We drove 3 hours to the Columbus Ohio Temple where I went in and did a session. While inside I felt peace and comfort from My heavenly Father. I was reminded of God's greater plan for us and that despite the fact that my mom is not here now with me on earth she is in fact my mother forever. And I am sure she is near me more then I know.
After the temple we went to downtown Columbus and found an adorable cupcake shop where we stopped and tried some really interestingly delicious cupcakes. One was a chocolate potato chip cupcake. I know I was hesitant to try it as well but it was delicious.
Our drive home was peaceful. We talked, sang princess music and enjoyed being a little family.
I spent the evening looking through old photos. Reminiscing on days long ago.
I am so chose to go to the temple on the anniversary of my Mom's death. A friend of mine a few years back went to the temple after her husband died. That always stuck with me, her example. The temple can bring us blessings and on difficult days that is what we need. I think there is no where else my mom would have rather had me. She was always going to the temple herself. She loved the temple so much and I am grateful for her and my friends positive influences in my life. That was where I needed to be Saturday. I am glad I have such a wonderful husband who made it happen.

      I watched little Adelaide run up to me, grab my hand and pull me over to a her books this morning. I smiled as she slowly backed up into my lap. She nestled her head into my shoulder and tried to read along with me as I told her what was written in her book. I laughed as she got up half way through to switch out books.
My mom once had similar experiences with me. My mom once held my hand and walked as I pulled her around. My mom once had me jump into her lap and have me sing her songs with my nonsensical words. My mom once kissed my neck as I kiss Addie's and whispered that she loved me in my ear. I don't have definitive memories of this but as I go about my days with my daughter I have this nostalgia from long ago. And this understanding that my overwhelming love for Addie is what my mom had for me. When my mom told me that I was her sunshine, She meant it. I know that becuase I mean it when I say it to Addie.

We all have that one person in our lives who loves us unconditionally and makes us feel like we really are special.  I was truly loved by my mother. Even though I didn't recognize it all the time.
I am not the most confident of people. I can be very hard on myself and I don't always think of myself in the most positive of lights. But my mother always had something kind to say. Now she had "tough loving" (unintentionally harsh) things to say too but She never went a phone call or conversation without saying she loved me. Becuase no matter how rude or cruel or ignorant or stupid or clumsy I was, my mom loved me.
I am grateful I had that love. To have felt that feeling of acceptance.

I don't have everything going my way. Earlier I just sat with my face in my hands and cried. I wish I knew what the future holds. I wish I knew how I was going to get through everything going on right now. But as I prayed and contemplated my trials I felt love. I have love from my amazing husband and daughter. And from friends.And my Brother who takes time to call me and chat.
 But most of all I have love from My Heavenly Father. And though I feel like my best is not enough right now, it is enough for him. He loves me. I know that there will be sunshine tomorrow and my unknown future is in good hands.

My mother taught me many many things. We didn't always see eye to eye. We had some pretty rough periods in our relationship to be honest, but she was always my best friend. She was a good, faithful and loving lady. And she taught me to have hope and delight in my Savior.

I pray that if I can do at least one thing right it will be to help Adelaide to love everyone and to trust in the Lord.




"All you need is Love."
Love can't solve all my problems unfortunately but Love can bring a smile to my face after a very difficult day. Love can make me feel better when I feel so very down on myself. Love can encourage me to keep going.
And keep going I will.

My Mommy. Words can't express how much I miss her. 

Thank goodness for the Love and Lessons she taught me. 

We keep the memories

I initially started this blog for my mom. I knew how much she loved seeing pictures and reading stories. I think that is why it is hard sometimes for me to update becuase instead of writing for her, I find myself always writing about her. And it is probably good for me to do that but it hurts. Thinking about her is still so painful. Saturday marks the YEAR anniversary. I can't even believe it has been that long since I last saw her.

I feel her near me a lot. In my mind I can almost hear her laughing when Addie does something silly or when I embarrass myself. Sometimes driving alone I can imagine her singing along with me to the radio or pretending to hit the brakes when I come just a little too close to the car in front of me. The memories are all so strong and yet I can feel them slowly fading. Her voice is hard to remember at times but then again I can hear it plain as day at other moments.
I know she lives on with me. I know that her memories and the things she taught me will stay here with me in my heart. I don't want to stop talking about her. Sometimes I fear I may annoy people when I talk about her as much as I do but I don't want to forget. I need to write out my thoughts. I need to not push away my pain and instead I need to try and embrace my loss. I need to face reality of my life without her present.
We all break down, but what matters is how we get back up after. I am strong, I had a great mother who taught me well and a loving Heavenly Father who supports me when I can't do it alone.



As for other things in my life... Adelaide is getting so big. She has the greatest personality.
Hmmm Here are so pretty fun Addie stories:

The other day she laid next to me in my bed and started pretending to snore. Then she looked at me and laughed.

She was looking at her Minnie Mouse doll and pointed to the doll's princess hat. She looked at me and said, "Mama Hat!" and then pointed to her hat that was sitting near me. So, as commanded, I handed her the hat and she put it on and started dancing around the room.

She came up to me with her toy tea cup and said, "Momma Wa wa." So I filled her tiny cup with a little bit of water. She took a sip and then poured the rest of the water out onto the bathroom floor. "Mama wa wa" She said and made the more sign with her hands before handing me her tiny pink cup again. "Adleaide it looks like you already had water in that cup put chose to pour it on the ground. So I am not going to give you any more water." She looked at me and then the ground. She bent down and started trying to put the spilt water back into the cup. When she was satisfied that her cup was now full with the spilt water and that she had fixed her mistake she handed me her cup again. "Mama wa wa."

I called Eric on a lunch break and he handed the phone to Adelaide.
This was our conversation.
"Hello?"
"Ma Ma?"
"HI ADDIE!"
"Ma Ma?"
"Hi Sweetie how are you?"
"Hello? mom Hello?"
"Are you having a good day?"
"Hello? yes mom mom Hello?"
"Have you played with dad today?"
"uh huh. yes yes"
"Did he sing to you?""
pause....  Then I hear a faint sound... I realize its Addie singing to me "Babby babby babay bay beeeee"
"Oh Addie that was beautiful!"
another pause and then I hear her say "BYE!" Then she hands the phone back to Eric.

Addie loves to watch Frozen and always tries to sing along with the songs. We play the music in the car while we drive a lot to. At the end of the song "Love is an open Door" The character Ana says yes after Hans asks her to marry him. Addie will ALWAYS join in and say yes with her.
When let it go comes on Addie will dance uncontrollably and flail her arms and yell"GO GO GO GO!"


She is truly the sunshine of my life. I am just so grateful to have the opportunity to be her mom and to learn from her everyday.


The past few months with my long commute I have had the chance to catch up with a lot of my friends while I drive to and from the city everyday.
My favorite thing is that I have realized that I really do have the greatest friends.
My 4 friends from High school I call a lot are Holly, Heather, Taylor and Martina. It is so funny becuase I can not talk to them for a while but as soon as we say hello on the phone it as if there has been no time gone by. I was laughing with Holly the other day that we hadn't seen each other in almost 7 years but I still feel so close to her.
I am so blessed to have such great friends who love me enough to take the time to talk to me.
I know this year hasn't been easy and I have had bad days and good days but they have stuck beside me and understood.
And not just those 4 too. All my close friends. I try and rotate everyday calling someone so I don't have to drive "alone". I know it's a sacrifice for them to take the time time to listen to me and I am so grateful that I have love and support in my life.

God has given me so many blessings. I know I say that a lot. But whenever I find myself writing a blog post and reflecting on my life I realize more and more how much I have been blessed. Yes, I have had a lot of hard times this year. While I wasn't hurt in my car crash, my poor car is totaled. I have gotten closer to friends but there are others I have tragically grown apart from. Though I have learned a lot and become stronger, I still miss my mom everyday.
I truly believe we need to have pain so we can more fully appreciate the good times and the pleasures of this beautiful life. 

I am so grateful for the memories.  I am grateful for the memories I have with my mom and my dad. I am grateful for the ones my brother and I can reflect on and laugh. I am grateful to the memories my dear friends and I have shared and that can still bring smiles to our faces. I am grateful for the memories my daughter and I are making together. I am grateful to the memories my husband and I are have.
I am grateful for the future memories that are yet to come.

Life is to be lived and enjoyed.
I am grateful to the Lord for my wonderful life.

The couch

      My mother never saw herself as the rest of us did. She did, however, notice what she lacked or what she hoped to have. For this reason she never saw herself as being a charitable person though she spent many days saying how she wished she could do more service for others. How she wanted to be more "Christ like".
Despite what she may have thought about herself she was in fact one of the most charitable ladies I have ever met.
     As I sift through my childhood memories, a deep royal blue sectional makes its way to the forefront of my mind. It stands as a witness to the kindness and selflessness of my mother.

     As far as I know that couch was always around. I can't put a finger on how it even came to be there in the middle of our comfortably cluttered living room. It took up so much space with its oversized rounded cushions and yet we never seemed to find it in the way. I suppose that was becuase if you couldn't get around it, jumping, rolling or climbing over it was always a plausible option.

     The aged old saying of "if walls could talk" echos true for the stories this worn couch could tell. Just like the woman in whose house it dwell, this couch sat always open, never judging. Everyone was always welcome in Gail's house. Everyone was always welcome on that couch.

     On my sixteenth birthday that couch stood between me and my hidden party guests. As they jumped out from behind it I grabbed it's puffy back cushion for support as I startled, tumbled forward in delight.
     Those fully stuffed cushions spent many a nights holding me in the crevice where the back and the seat met. Huddled safely there I would pour out my heart and amid my terrible adolescent troubles I felt comfort in its embrace. As tears would spill onto its fabric rolling down, only slightly getting absorbed, I would find peace.
     The sectional formed the shape of a "C" there in the middle of the room and if you laid down just right three people could spend the night head to toe on that couch without having to take out the awkward spring filled "pull out" bed. Many a teenager spent the night on that couch. My sweet mother never said someone could not stay the night. If someone needed a place to go this couch was offered up as a fit option.
     After a long 9 hour road trip, that horrible "pull out" bed was the most comfortable place in the world as my college friends and I would crash literally onto it's hard metal frame. Everyone feeling like this couch was their very own... like this home was theirs as well.
     That couch was the perfect place to sit and run lines for my upcoming theatre show. It was a perfect landing base for me when my brother "laid me out" while practicing his defensive football moves. It served the same purpose when he started playing with the idea of doing wrestling. It caught our trembling bodies as we laughed uncontrollably the day my brother tried on his x-small wrestling outfit which needless to say led to the end of his wrestling days.
     I sat on the couch simply amazed the day my brother flawlessly sang "Bring Him Home" before trying out for a dinner theatre show. And there I sat as my adorable mom sang karaoke to "Girls just want to have fun" on one of infamous theatre/choir kid hang out nights.
     The couch was the unmentioned star of many a school movie projects. We would jump and dance along it's cushions reciting lines from Shakespeare hoping to induce laughter from our classmates while still impressing our teacher with our wit and cleverness.
     It held us as we sat in the early hours of the morning devising plans as to how to put toilet paper all over the "cute boy around the corner's" home. Giggling we would wait for the toilet paper to be returned to our front yard as we laid out on the couch. We would talk and bond.
     That couch stood witness to the development of many friendships. It watched as friends grew closer, bore their souls and learned what love was about. It held teenagers who longed for comfort and acceptance. And it gave it to them. That couch gave everyone who needed it, a place to belong. Yes, just as my mom did.
     My mom held us there on that couch many times. She would hold us and sing "You are my sunshine." She would hold us and tell us that we were her babies, her "ninos." She would hold us and tell us we were the best things that happened to her. She even was able to hold her granddaughter on that couch. She held her and told her how she looked like her. And kissed her chubby little cheeks. There on that couch so many felt Mom's love and comfort. It was a catalyst for her to talk, bond and connect with so many people. There so many people felt our Savior's love through my darling mother.

     The day my mother's spirit left her body I sat on that couch for what would be one the last times. It supported my tired body while my dearest friends Danny and Taylor sat beside me supporting my broken heart. I sat there, paralyzed into a trance until my mom's body was taken out of her house.

That couch never let me down. It was always there. It meant more then words could express to me and so many others.
Just as my sweet mother meant so much to me, and so many others.
She supported so many people. She gave what she had without question. And for many all she could offer was a place to sit and for her to listen.
That couch witnessed many things. It witnessed the kindness and love of Gail.
And though she may have never known it she was beyond charitable. She was life changing to so many.

She was a support to so many just like her simple blue sectional that filled up her living room. And her legacy will forever live on.

Words words words...

Sometimes I want so badly to be able to put all my millions of thoughts into words.
I think all day of the eloquent way I will contrive my mixed emotions into sentences of meaning. And then I find myself staring blankly at my computer, unable to find those once so carefully selected words.
They have somehow just floated away from my mind. And I am left apathetic really.

My drives to and from the city give me too much time to think. I am grateful to my kind friends who will occasionally sacrifice their time to talk to me.  But there are still voids. Times when all I can hear are words going through my mind. Memories, thoughts... things I want to stay buried.
I don't like the drive. I don't like to be alone. I haven't always felt that way. I will get back to normal. I just have to give it time.

Life seems the same as it always is. It is just moving forward. Adelaide walks and talks. She climbs and runs. She is quite the character. As her personality develops I realize what a spunky and fun girl she is. I just adore her so much.

My mom would have adored this fun little girl. I still have to fight the urge to call her and tell her the funny things Addie does or says. Will that ever go away?

Addie loves music. If you sing to her she will stop everything she is doing to listen and try and join in. She loves to listen to the piano. She loves itsy bitsy spider. She loves 5 little monkeys.
My mom always said I loved music too. I wonder what other similarities Addie and I share?

The other day I found a picture of me, my brother and my mom laying on the floor. I asked Eric where that came from. He told me Addie had found the picture on my night desk and had walked around all day talking to it.
That would have made my mom laugh to know Addie had carried her picture around all day.

I have a new calling at church. It is actually an answer to my prayers I realized. I have been asking God to help me to feel closer to him and to find time to study my Scriptures. Well... I am now teaching in Relief Society every month so I HAVE to study and I have found as I do I feel him closer by me. I feel his love more near.
When I first found myself going in front of all the ladies in my congregation to teach I was super nervous. What could I, a young girl have to say of any importance? But as I followed along in my notes I realized that the message from the Prophet was what needed to be told. I was not telling a message from me... but a message from and about God. And while I still think I mumbled and fumbled my way through I have put my trust in God and hope that if I do my part and study hard he will help me to find words to say.

I think the same goes for all things in my life. If I do my part and keep trying God will help me to find the words. I will be led to understand my thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes I feel like the happiest girl ever trying to fight a sad girl from taking over. And it is hard.
I have so many blessing in my life. I have so much to look forward too. I have a beautiful life.
I know God is aware of me and I just have to press forward despite what sadness, heartache or confusion comes my way.

"Thank you" doesn't begin to explain it.

After someone dies there are a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. Trying to go back to "normal" is tough especially becuase the "normal" you are looking for is gone. You have to just sink into a new phase in life... a new normal.
I find myself constantly feeling like I need to call someone. Anyone, to tell them about my day, my life, things. And then I remember, sadly, that I don't need to do that any more. It is a tough habit to break.

One way I tried coping with this pit in my stomach from the loss of my mom, was by just pushing people away. Not having feelings. Apathy? Numbness? I wanted that. Anything was better then this pain.
I soon realized how bad that was. I am slowly adjusting.

I found this talk this evening by Elder Nelson on death. Here is the link if you would like to read it. It is beautifully written and very comforting.
I really enjoyed this quote, " we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

I don't want Love gone from my life. I pondered on this idea and thought all evening about it.
I have only gotten through my life with the love and support from others. 
I wouldn't trade the Love I have in my life for anything.

And then I thought, I hope with all my heart people know how grateful I am to them for their love.

My friends and family are everything to me. Sometimes I just take that for granted and I never want that.

On my long drive home I recalled the people who held me up these past few months.

I have such amazing friends. All my lovely friends here from Church here who text and call me. Who help watch my baby. Who make me smile. They mean the world to me. Thank you. You know who you are. And you are awesome.
My friends from high school who still keep in touch and who send me texts every so often just to say they love me. Martina sends me a text almost everyday and it seriously does make me smile. Holly and Heather constantly write on my instagram and I feel so important!

I thought back to March. I try to avoid thinking about my mom's passing. But as I thought I recalled some beautiful memories.
All my "Ladies" who stood in as my mother figures through everything. Shauna, Janelle, Anne, Karen, Cherilee, Lisa, Dana, and Connie. (just to name a few...) Who brought me food, magazines. Who sat with me as I went through my mom's clothes. Who helped me sell my mom's possessions. Who drove me around. Who hugged me. Who made me feel important. I didn't have to be alone becuase God sent me angels to hold me up. 
There were so many people who came and supported us at the yard sale too. So many people who wrote me on face book and talked to me. So many people I didn't know well or who I hadn't spoke to in years who showed up and showed me love. Showed me service. Acted like our Savior. Helped me to feel his love. 

My sweet mother in law. She is constantly giving to me. But As I thought back to March. I realized I could not have survived that month without her. She kept me a float. She kept me grounded. She made me laugh as I walked to the funeral home to make arrangements. She helped me feel peace as I left for the funeral. She held my hand. She treated me as if I was her daughter. And she still does. To this day.
I am so blessed.

My little brother. He was and still is so strong. Through all his trials he still calls me and he still supports me. And shows me love. I am grateful to him. My aunt and uncle. Showed me love and still call and check up on me. It was so good to have my Aunt with us when mom Passed. We needed her. She was a sound person to help us figure out what to do. Especially with Jimmy and I being so young. We act tough but we are still kids in many ways.

Danny g. I don't know what I would have done without him. His constant support meant so much too.
Jenna stood beside me (literally) and sang with me. Mom loved our voices. I love Jenna's love. I love everything about that girl and the support she gave/gives me.
Rachel D. sent me the best encouraging pictures and messages. They made me feel loved and happy even through the difficult times. I won't forget that or the pictures.

Tay and Danny m. Sat beside me till the funeral home came for my mom. I didn't have to be alone. I had their hands holding mine. I had their love keeping me strong. I won't ever forget that.

How Do I say thank you to these people who helped me survive one of the hardest months of my life? There were so many people. So many more then I even mentioned here. How do I say thank you to the friends who help me now get through? Thank you is not enough. I am forever in debited with gratitude to these people. To my Lord... for sending me such sweet friends who help me feel such love.

Most of all how do I thank Eric? Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew we would need each other. Day by day i realize how important Eric is to me. How wonderful, loving, caring and supportive he is. He is my everything. I don't think I tell him enough. I don't think I could ever say I love him enough. He is the best husband and father for Addie that I could ever ask for.
He has been my strength through these past few months. A sounding board. A shoulder to cry on. A friend.

I truly can't say thank you enough.
I just hope that all of you who happen to read this know what you mean to me. Please know that I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am so grateful.
You all have done so much. Whether it has been sending me a text or physically holding my hand. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without all the love I have had.
The small things and the big things have meant so much.

I wish Thank you could better explain how I feel.

I truly love my life. I love the people in it. I love that God has gotten me through.

Thank you for being patient with me as I am healing and adjusting from the sorrow my Mother's passing has caused me.
Thank you for understanding and for accepting me as I am. which is a little broken but not damaged.

Life as we know it

Things have been a bit wild around here lately.
I started work at the local Children's hospital down in the city. I work at the "welcome desk". It is a pretty great job and the benefits are awesome. I do miss Addie quite a bit. I try to make the most of the time we spend together now that I am a "working mom".

Addie is now ONE! Can you believe it? I sure can't.
She is walking and climbing stairs and she babbles all day long. She LOVES sesame street youtube videos. She will ask to watch them over and over. She loves to dance and follow people around the house. She likes to hold your hand as you walk, until you try to go somewhere where she doesn't want to go. Then she just stops.
She can pull herself up to a stand from sitting. She was quite proud of herself when she realized she could do that. Now she would rather pull herself up to a stand then use the wall or a piece of furniture.

She LOVES books. Every book. Recipe book in grandma's kitchen? yup lets read it. Hymn book at church? I need you to read that to me now! Random magazine that comes in the mail? Were you going to throw that away without showing it to me? Every book. Some more then others. I am pretty sure I have the "foot book" memorized. Which is a good thing becuase she has almost chewed it up so that it is unreadable.

She is honestly such a bundle of joy. She is more amazing then I could have ever imagined and I love every new quirk and characteristic that I learn about her. And her laugh... oh goodness. It brings me smiles on the darkest of days!
I find myself in awe at times at how happy and sweet she is. She truly is a special little spirit from Heavenly Father. I feel quite inadequate.


My cute sister-in-law Courtney braided my hair for me today before I left for work. As I was talking the braids out tonight I started thinking about my childhood and how my sweet mom would braid my hair all the time. It was a tradition almost. We would watch movies and she would braid my entire head! She would do pig tails, corn rows or inside out braids. She was so awesome at it. She would make me "look at the ceiling and tell me a story!" "What do you see on the ceiling Janelle?" I remember often telling her made up stories about butterflies and fairies.
I thought back to a year ago while I was recovering from my c section in the hospital. My mother was in the room talking to me. I asked her to braid my hair. She smiled and delicately put my hair into two french braided pig tails. I could feel that she was struggling a bit as her age worn hands tugged and pulled at my hair. She was tired but We laughed and joked as she went along. It was as if I was back in high school and we were spending a sunday afternoon taking a break from the  cares of the world together. So happy to be with each other.
That was the last time my mom braided my hair. I have been replaying memories in my mind of her lately. Trying to remember her laugh. Her smile. Her face.
I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I don't think I ever told her enough.

They say it gets easier with time. I feel at times it is in fact harder.
Though I know that God is near. My pain is not mine to bear alone.
For that I am grateful.


I am grateful for my memories. I am so grateful for my mom.

I realize more and more what I am lacking personally. I am far from a perfect mom, from even a good mom most days. I pray that God will make me into something better then what I see in myself.
I pray that he can make my weaknesses my strengths.
I am grateful for the love my mom had for me. I do know that she loved me. And I love her. I always will.

My love, My life, My precious Adelaide.