So I drove in silence listening only to the rain beat against my windshield. Every now and then lightning flashed across the sky in front of my path. I felt very tense driving. Puddles were forming in pockets all over the road. I kept imaging hitting one puddle just the right way and how I could easily hydro plane into a wall. I was nervous and cautious and some where through all of those thoughts tears started running down my face. "Why? What is this? Why am I crying", I asked myself out loud only to be drowned out by the rattling raindrops racing down to the earth.
I feel like I am pretty great actress. Always have been really. I feel confident in that. I am so good in fact, that I fool myself at times to believe that I am emotionally better then I really am. Alone in my large van driving in high anxiety weather I started to realize that sometimes I tell myself that I am okay, and I may not be as Okay as I can convince myself I am.
I work full time down in the city. I am genuinely blessed to have a job. And such a good job with really great coworkers. Especially becuase I don't have a degree. But tonight I felt the sadness that my heart really has. This sadness that Actress Janelle has been hiding from herself. I miss my daughter so badly. I want with every desire in my soul to be with her and not have to work so long and much. I come home and sit in my room trying to sleep and I contemplate what she ate for dinner. How she liked it. What her face looked like when she realized that her food was good. What her face looked like when her tummy got full. What words did she learn today? What connections to the world around us did she make? Does she know that I love her? Does she know that I would do anything to make her happy?
I told her earlier this afternoon that I had to go to work. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said," Okay bye." Short and sweet just like her. I told myself that it was fine and I am blessed that she is so ok with me leaving. Other kids her age are known to have really bad separation problems. But on this lonely ride home tonight I felt the pain that little things like such cause me. And tears fell from my eyes.
My mom always worked. My entire childhood. I didn't realize then what a sacrifice that was for my mom. I know she loved us so. I am sure sending us to "summer day camp" was never easy on her. I am sure she wished she had been there, wished she could have taken care of us, played with us and watched us grow everyday. She worked so hard for us. She always told me to do everything I could to be at home with my children. She was speaking from experience. I know that now.
But sometimes there is nothing you can do. And I know that. And I don't normally let it get me down. But tonight it made me sad. I missed my Addie. Tonight I feel like a terrible mom. Tonight I feel like I can't measure up. Tonight I feel like my best will never be enough. Tonight I miss my mom. Tonight I feel alone.
I listened to NPR on my way to work today. this successful woman was talking about how to be a successful woman in the work place. It was an empowering segment and I enjoyed her advice on how to have more confidence. I lack that quite a bit. Obviously. At one point she spoke of an experience where she was feeling so down and she called her dad who gave her great advice and he gave her courage to go forward and it helped her to be this super successful powerhouse work lady that she is. My tough actress heart sank. And I felt my inner child ask, "But who can I go to when I need to feel better about myself?"
That went through my mind all day at work as I filled out paper work. It rang in my ears as I inputed information in my computer. And it sat in my chest burning as I drove home through the bullet raindrops which exploded with pure anxiety into the pit of my stomach.
I made it home and sat on the couch. I grabbed my laptop and soon I found myself on LDS.org. The first few messages I saw were about mothers. How they are divine, wonderful and amazing. All things I feel do not describe me or my mothering skills. I watched a beautiful mormon Message about how Mother's are doing God's work and while it made me feel less anxious I still felt overwhelmed and like I will never be... can never be what I want to be, what others want me to be. I just can't measure up.
Then I watched a video By Sister Dalton who Ran the Boston Marathon. She talked about how she felt so alone and started crying during the race. She said she didn't feel like she could do it and she was very discouraged. She said that She said a prayer and the words came to her "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not afraid. For I am thy God and will still give thee Aid. I will strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."
As I was driving through the storm this evening I too offered a prayer. And As I sat here listening to Sister Dalton I realized that these words have played through my mind many times. I know that God is always with me. I REALLY KNOW THAT! I know that GOD KNOWS I am trying my best. And I may not measure up to other people's thoughts, views or expectations but I am doing my best and That is good enough for my Heavenly Father. I came across "D&C 24:8 Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."
As I drove crying, feeling pain and inadequacy in my heart from the little troubles in my life... I was not alone. And I am glad I was honest with myself on how I felt becuase now I can take a deep breath and go on. Press on. Endure. I am okay. I am not alone.
All things are for my benefit and learning. THIS LIFE IS NOT THE END! I have a blessed and I have glorious life. And though I have sad moments I am so grateful that I know that God is aware of me.
We have had some great blessings lately. Eric is going to be starting his Masters program soon! We will be getting our own apartment. I am a supervisor now at work! Addie is super smart, loves to dance and sing! She is always making us smile.
This rainstorm was glorious. It helped bring some clarity to my aching soul. It helped me to try to see myself in a brighter light, the kind of light my Savior sees me in.
I am far from perfect but I know he loves me. And despite all my weaknesses, fumbles and mess ups he is still beside me. I know I don't think too highly of myself but I hope I can start to see myself as God sees me. I know that I can always turn to my Heavenly father.
I am grateful for the rain that has helped me to clear my mind.
Here is the Link to the Video of Sister Dalton
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