This last week I started writing an internal monologue again in my head. I haven't done that in years. I was arranging words to help unscramble my mind. Since high school I have had an online blog or journal of some sort. Since I could write, I have had a journal. Literally I have journals from 1st grade. ( It is riveting stuff.) So why has it been 2 years since I have updated any of my blogs?
This blog doesn't need to be a recounting of my life. Did I feel pressure to do that? Maybe. Ok, probably. Yes. This blog doesn't need to be a testament of my spirituality. But I think at times I felt pressure to make it so. And what if I am not what or where someone expects if they read this? Am I writing this for others, as an outlet or just to document my thoughts and feelings? Does this blog need to show all the good in my life and encourage others? No. But at times I've felt that too.
Maybe the fact that I have felt these imaginary(?) pressures to do certain things, be a certain way, say all the perfect things is a factor in the paralyzing effects I feel when I go to write or even speak at times.
But I have gotten better. Not perfect by any means but I am on a journey to get back to me. To not let all this other stuff define me. But who am I? What do I like? What do I love? What drives me to do what I do?
Are you like me? Do you distract when things are hard? My phone, TV, books, podcasts, coloring; these are simple distractions that stop my thoughts from thinking about anything else. And in a crisis this is helpful. But I have found that it also can also cause me to go stagnant if used too long. And I have felt myself get lost in all my distractions. I couldn't take a shower without a book playing. I couldn't do the dishes without trying to block out my own voice in my head.
I did some meditation. My therapist, among many others, recommended it. I heard silence through the breathing I was prompted to do. I heard myself calling for me listen to my own thoughts. So I have been sitting with my thoughts, connecting to myself. I have taken showers noiseless. I have done the dishes with only the clank of plates and water rushing as background sound. I have driven around without the radio and once I got past the uncomfortableness of it all, I felt more at peace. I could sort through feelings I had been keeping at bay. I recognized things that I have been avoiding.
I feel more like myself. As I sit here typing away, I can hear ME and I didn't even know I was missing.
If you know this feeling than you know it. I am aware that this might sound strange and completely ridiculous to some people. I am also very nervous of how this might come across but I wanted to write it down. I wanted to see it.
And maybe someone some where, feels it too and these words help them see or feel or believe that they are not so alone. And I think that is why I blog. "Haters gunna hate" needs to give me strength as I write what is true to me, not how I want to be seen.
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