I thought I would write in a blog how I was feeling. But it became messy and rough to read. I tend to write things on this blog that are neatly placed in a package with a perfectly tied bow on top for display. I try to stay positive, hopeful, and happy.
Grief and loss do not always fit in that box.
So I wrote those unorganized, chaotic, muddled pain stricken words down and my soul felt lighter. I admitted to myself the struggle that 5 years without my mom has been. And I put it somewhere else. Would you like to read it? Ask me. I can show it to you later.
But for everyone else. Here are my less raw words. They still carry some pain but the sting is not as harsh as my first attempt.
Tomorrow, it will have been 5 years since I lost my mother.
I cling to a hope and belief that has been instilled in me since I was a child that we will live again after this life and I will see my mom and we will be a family forever. That through Christ and his sacrifice we are saved and Family bonds are eternal.
And yet even with that beautiful reassurance, that my mom helped me to learn and feel, losing a loved one is insanely difficult.
Grief doesn't have a one size fits all formula that you just power through and BAM it is gone. (I know the whole five stages of grief plays like that but I don't buy it. We can argue about that later. Message me and we can chat.) But I firmly believe that grief has many different faces and comes in random waves.
I want to convince myself that I am so much better then I was 5 years ago. I want to be able to say that I am moving forward and the pain is less and less.
I want to stop feeling guilty for talking about her all the time. I want to stop thinking that all the things I say, or moments I admit it hurts, is annoying or bothering others. I cannot control my pain and I want to learn to handle it better. Maybe in the next 5 years I can.
Maybe this post is going to get more messy then I intended. I apologize.
I just wanted to share my thoughts about Gail. She was the most beautiful person.
Her laugh is fading in my memory. Her face is kept alive thanks to pictures. Her voice is harder to hold onto when and if it comes into focus. And yet, her impact in my life is still so strong. My appreciation for her and all she did for me is greater then ever before.
She truly cared about everyone. She said that Christ loves everyone so we should too. She was always pointing out good flaws in those I found fault with. She told me to pray for love when I would tell her that someone hurt my feelings. She would encourage me to always find the good.
When I felt lonely, she told me everyone needs and friend. I should try to be one.
I lacked such confidence as a child and young adult. I was too afraid to reach out to others and have friends. I spent many nights in college crying myself to sleep because I felt alone. But as I have gotten older and heard my moms advice running around wildly in my brain, I have tried to be better. I have tried to be the one who reaches out and makes friends. I have tried to be more confident in who I am. I do that for her and I. Because though she had that wonderful advice for me, she lacked confidence in herself to reach out a lot too.
But my mom was blessed with amazing friends despite her ability to reach out as much as she wished she could. She had loyal kind trust worthy friends who still to this day keep in touch with me. Who were there with her those final days that she spent on this earth. Who supported her and my brother and I. Those dear friends, whom I will forever be grateful for.
My mom would be shocked to know how many people truly cared so deeply for her. How many people probably still think about her even 5 years later.
So I wrote those unorganized, chaotic, muddled pain stricken words down and my soul felt lighter. I admitted to myself the struggle that 5 years without my mom has been. And I put it somewhere else. Would you like to read it? Ask me. I can show it to you later.
But for everyone else. Here are my less raw words. They still carry some pain but the sting is not as harsh as my first attempt.
Tomorrow, it will have been 5 years since I lost my mother.
I cling to a hope and belief that has been instilled in me since I was a child that we will live again after this life and I will see my mom and we will be a family forever. That through Christ and his sacrifice we are saved and Family bonds are eternal.
And yet even with that beautiful reassurance, that my mom helped me to learn and feel, losing a loved one is insanely difficult.
Grief doesn't have a one size fits all formula that you just power through and BAM it is gone. (I know the whole five stages of grief plays like that but I don't buy it. We can argue about that later. Message me and we can chat.) But I firmly believe that grief has many different faces and comes in random waves.
I want to convince myself that I am so much better then I was 5 years ago. I want to be able to say that I am moving forward and the pain is less and less.
I want to stop feeling guilty for talking about her all the time. I want to stop thinking that all the things I say, or moments I admit it hurts, is annoying or bothering others. I cannot control my pain and I want to learn to handle it better. Maybe in the next 5 years I can.
Maybe this post is going to get more messy then I intended. I apologize.
I just wanted to share my thoughts about Gail. She was the most beautiful person.
Her laugh is fading in my memory. Her face is kept alive thanks to pictures. Her voice is harder to hold onto when and if it comes into focus. And yet, her impact in my life is still so strong. My appreciation for her and all she did for me is greater then ever before.
She truly cared about everyone. She said that Christ loves everyone so we should too. She was always pointing out good flaws in those I found fault with. She told me to pray for love when I would tell her that someone hurt my feelings. She would encourage me to always find the good.
When I felt lonely, she told me everyone needs and friend. I should try to be one.
I lacked such confidence as a child and young adult. I was too afraid to reach out to others and have friends. I spent many nights in college crying myself to sleep because I felt alone. But as I have gotten older and heard my moms advice running around wildly in my brain, I have tried to be better. I have tried to be the one who reaches out and makes friends. I have tried to be more confident in who I am. I do that for her and I. Because though she had that wonderful advice for me, she lacked confidence in herself to reach out a lot too.
But my mom was blessed with amazing friends despite her ability to reach out as much as she wished she could. She had loyal kind trust worthy friends who still to this day keep in touch with me. Who were there with her those final days that she spent on this earth. Who supported her and my brother and I. Those dear friends, whom I will forever be grateful for.
My mom would be shocked to know how many people truly cared so deeply for her. How many people probably still think about her even 5 years later.
She had this contagious smile and laughter that you just needed to have around you. And oh how I miss it. I pray I can learn to be as welcoming and caring as she was. She made you feel like you were her best friend even if you had just met her. It was amazing. People were drawn to her and yet she sometimes felt people didn't like her.
I sometimes cannot believe how someone so lovely ever felt like that.
I hope and believe that she knows now how wonderful she was and still is.
Her impact on this world was huge. She touched many lives in the best of ways and I know I am not the only one grieving her. I know I am not the only one who thinks of her often and prayers for God to send my love to her.
Thank you to everyone who loved her and is still holding on to memories of her.
I sometimes cannot believe how someone so lovely ever felt like that.
I hope and believe that she knows now how wonderful she was and still is.
Her impact on this world was huge. She touched many lives in the best of ways and I know I am not the only one grieving her. I know I am not the only one who thinks of her often and prayers for God to send my love to her.
Thank you to everyone who loved her and is still holding on to memories of her.
I guess this did get more real and raw then I intended. I apologize if this brought anyone down. Please know that though we have been without Gail for 5 years she will forever be with us. I truly believe that our reunion with her after this life will be blissful and full of laughter.
Psalm 30:5 ..."weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
I truly believe that friends. That though I am very confused and feeling overwhelmingly sad, this is not my forever. We progress and move forward and hold our loved ones with us.
Psalm 30:5 ..."weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
I truly believe that friends. That though I am very confused and feeling overwhelmingly sad, this is not my forever. We progress and move forward and hold our loved ones with us.
March 15th may always be a difficult day for me. But it is because I loved my mom so much. And I am so blessed and grateful I was able to experience that type of love. I will hold on to that forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment