The couch

      My mother never saw herself as the rest of us did. She did, however, notice what she lacked or what she hoped to have. For this reason she never saw herself as being a charitable person though she spent many days saying how she wished she could do more service for others. How she wanted to be more "Christ like".
Despite what she may have thought about herself she was in fact one of the most charitable ladies I have ever met.
     As I sift through my childhood memories, a deep royal blue sectional makes its way to the forefront of my mind. It stands as a witness to the kindness and selflessness of my mother.

     As far as I know that couch was always around. I can't put a finger on how it even came to be there in the middle of our comfortably cluttered living room. It took up so much space with its oversized rounded cushions and yet we never seemed to find it in the way. I suppose that was becuase if you couldn't get around it, jumping, rolling or climbing over it was always a plausible option.

     The aged old saying of "if walls could talk" echos true for the stories this worn couch could tell. Just like the woman in whose house it dwell, this couch sat always open, never judging. Everyone was always welcome in Gail's house. Everyone was always welcome on that couch.

     On my sixteenth birthday that couch stood between me and my hidden party guests. As they jumped out from behind it I grabbed it's puffy back cushion for support as I startled, tumbled forward in delight.
     Those fully stuffed cushions spent many a nights holding me in the crevice where the back and the seat met. Huddled safely there I would pour out my heart and amid my terrible adolescent troubles I felt comfort in its embrace. As tears would spill onto its fabric rolling down, only slightly getting absorbed, I would find peace.
     The sectional formed the shape of a "C" there in the middle of the room and if you laid down just right three people could spend the night head to toe on that couch without having to take out the awkward spring filled "pull out" bed. Many a teenager spent the night on that couch. My sweet mother never said someone could not stay the night. If someone needed a place to go this couch was offered up as a fit option.
     After a long 9 hour road trip, that horrible "pull out" bed was the most comfortable place in the world as my college friends and I would crash literally onto it's hard metal frame. Everyone feeling like this couch was their very own... like this home was theirs as well.
     That couch was the perfect place to sit and run lines for my upcoming theatre show. It was a perfect landing base for me when my brother "laid me out" while practicing his defensive football moves. It served the same purpose when he started playing with the idea of doing wrestling. It caught our trembling bodies as we laughed uncontrollably the day my brother tried on his x-small wrestling outfit which needless to say led to the end of his wrestling days.
     I sat on the couch simply amazed the day my brother flawlessly sang "Bring Him Home" before trying out for a dinner theatre show. And there I sat as my adorable mom sang karaoke to "Girls just want to have fun" on one of infamous theatre/choir kid hang out nights.
     The couch was the unmentioned star of many a school movie projects. We would jump and dance along it's cushions reciting lines from Shakespeare hoping to induce laughter from our classmates while still impressing our teacher with our wit and cleverness.
     It held us as we sat in the early hours of the morning devising plans as to how to put toilet paper all over the "cute boy around the corner's" home. Giggling we would wait for the toilet paper to be returned to our front yard as we laid out on the couch. We would talk and bond.
     That couch stood witness to the development of many friendships. It watched as friends grew closer, bore their souls and learned what love was about. It held teenagers who longed for comfort and acceptance. And it gave it to them. That couch gave everyone who needed it, a place to belong. Yes, just as my mom did.
     My mom held us there on that couch many times. She would hold us and sing "You are my sunshine." She would hold us and tell us that we were her babies, her "ninos." She would hold us and tell us we were the best things that happened to her. She even was able to hold her granddaughter on that couch. She held her and told her how she looked like her. And kissed her chubby little cheeks. There on that couch so many felt Mom's love and comfort. It was a catalyst for her to talk, bond and connect with so many people. There so many people felt our Savior's love through my darling mother.

     The day my mother's spirit left her body I sat on that couch for what would be one the last times. It supported my tired body while my dearest friends Danny and Taylor sat beside me supporting my broken heart. I sat there, paralyzed into a trance until my mom's body was taken out of her house.

That couch never let me down. It was always there. It meant more then words could express to me and so many others.
Just as my sweet mother meant so much to me, and so many others.
She supported so many people. She gave what she had without question. And for many all she could offer was a place to sit and for her to listen.
That couch witnessed many things. It witnessed the kindness and love of Gail.
And though she may have never known it she was beyond charitable. She was life changing to so many.

She was a support to so many just like her simple blue sectional that filled up her living room. And her legacy will forever live on.

Words words words...

Sometimes I want so badly to be able to put all my millions of thoughts into words.
I think all day of the eloquent way I will contrive my mixed emotions into sentences of meaning. And then I find myself staring blankly at my computer, unable to find those once so carefully selected words.
They have somehow just floated away from my mind. And I am left apathetic really.

My drives to and from the city give me too much time to think. I am grateful to my kind friends who will occasionally sacrifice their time to talk to me.  But there are still voids. Times when all I can hear are words going through my mind. Memories, thoughts... things I want to stay buried.
I don't like the drive. I don't like to be alone. I haven't always felt that way. I will get back to normal. I just have to give it time.

Life seems the same as it always is. It is just moving forward. Adelaide walks and talks. She climbs and runs. She is quite the character. As her personality develops I realize what a spunky and fun girl she is. I just adore her so much.

My mom would have adored this fun little girl. I still have to fight the urge to call her and tell her the funny things Addie does or says. Will that ever go away?

Addie loves music. If you sing to her she will stop everything she is doing to listen and try and join in. She loves to listen to the piano. She loves itsy bitsy spider. She loves 5 little monkeys.
My mom always said I loved music too. I wonder what other similarities Addie and I share?

The other day I found a picture of me, my brother and my mom laying on the floor. I asked Eric where that came from. He told me Addie had found the picture on my night desk and had walked around all day talking to it.
That would have made my mom laugh to know Addie had carried her picture around all day.

I have a new calling at church. It is actually an answer to my prayers I realized. I have been asking God to help me to feel closer to him and to find time to study my Scriptures. Well... I am now teaching in Relief Society every month so I HAVE to study and I have found as I do I feel him closer by me. I feel his love more near.
When I first found myself going in front of all the ladies in my congregation to teach I was super nervous. What could I, a young girl have to say of any importance? But as I followed along in my notes I realized that the message from the Prophet was what needed to be told. I was not telling a message from me... but a message from and about God. And while I still think I mumbled and fumbled my way through I have put my trust in God and hope that if I do my part and study hard he will help me to find words to say.

I think the same goes for all things in my life. If I do my part and keep trying God will help me to find the words. I will be led to understand my thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes I feel like the happiest girl ever trying to fight a sad girl from taking over. And it is hard.
I have so many blessing in my life. I have so much to look forward too. I have a beautiful life.
I know God is aware of me and I just have to press forward despite what sadness, heartache or confusion comes my way.

"Thank you" doesn't begin to explain it.

After someone dies there are a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. Trying to go back to "normal" is tough especially becuase the "normal" you are looking for is gone. You have to just sink into a new phase in life... a new normal.
I find myself constantly feeling like I need to call someone. Anyone, to tell them about my day, my life, things. And then I remember, sadly, that I don't need to do that any more. It is a tough habit to break.

One way I tried coping with this pit in my stomach from the loss of my mom, was by just pushing people away. Not having feelings. Apathy? Numbness? I wanted that. Anything was better then this pain.
I soon realized how bad that was. I am slowly adjusting.

I found this talk this evening by Elder Nelson on death. Here is the link if you would like to read it. It is beautifully written and very comforting.
I really enjoyed this quote, " we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

I don't want Love gone from my life. I pondered on this idea and thought all evening about it.
I have only gotten through my life with the love and support from others. 
I wouldn't trade the Love I have in my life for anything.

And then I thought, I hope with all my heart people know how grateful I am to them for their love.

My friends and family are everything to me. Sometimes I just take that for granted and I never want that.

On my long drive home I recalled the people who held me up these past few months.

I have such amazing friends. All my lovely friends here from Church here who text and call me. Who help watch my baby. Who make me smile. They mean the world to me. Thank you. You know who you are. And you are awesome.
My friends from high school who still keep in touch and who send me texts every so often just to say they love me. Martina sends me a text almost everyday and it seriously does make me smile. Holly and Heather constantly write on my instagram and I feel so important!

I thought back to March. I try to avoid thinking about my mom's passing. But as I thought I recalled some beautiful memories.
All my "Ladies" who stood in as my mother figures through everything. Shauna, Janelle, Anne, Karen, Cherilee, Lisa, Dana, and Connie. (just to name a few...) Who brought me food, magazines. Who sat with me as I went through my mom's clothes. Who helped me sell my mom's possessions. Who drove me around. Who hugged me. Who made me feel important. I didn't have to be alone becuase God sent me angels to hold me up. 
There were so many people who came and supported us at the yard sale too. So many people who wrote me on face book and talked to me. So many people I didn't know well or who I hadn't spoke to in years who showed up and showed me love. Showed me service. Acted like our Savior. Helped me to feel his love. 

My sweet mother in law. She is constantly giving to me. But As I thought back to March. I realized I could not have survived that month without her. She kept me a float. She kept me grounded. She made me laugh as I walked to the funeral home to make arrangements. She helped me feel peace as I left for the funeral. She held my hand. She treated me as if I was her daughter. And she still does. To this day.
I am so blessed.

My little brother. He was and still is so strong. Through all his trials he still calls me and he still supports me. And shows me love. I am grateful to him. My aunt and uncle. Showed me love and still call and check up on me. It was so good to have my Aunt with us when mom Passed. We needed her. She was a sound person to help us figure out what to do. Especially with Jimmy and I being so young. We act tough but we are still kids in many ways.

Danny g. I don't know what I would have done without him. His constant support meant so much too.
Jenna stood beside me (literally) and sang with me. Mom loved our voices. I love Jenna's love. I love everything about that girl and the support she gave/gives me.
Rachel D. sent me the best encouraging pictures and messages. They made me feel loved and happy even through the difficult times. I won't forget that or the pictures.

Tay and Danny m. Sat beside me till the funeral home came for my mom. I didn't have to be alone. I had their hands holding mine. I had their love keeping me strong. I won't ever forget that.

How Do I say thank you to these people who helped me survive one of the hardest months of my life? There were so many people. So many more then I even mentioned here. How do I say thank you to the friends who help me now get through? Thank you is not enough. I am forever in debited with gratitude to these people. To my Lord... for sending me such sweet friends who help me feel such love.

Most of all how do I thank Eric? Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew we would need each other. Day by day i realize how important Eric is to me. How wonderful, loving, caring and supportive he is. He is my everything. I don't think I tell him enough. I don't think I could ever say I love him enough. He is the best husband and father for Addie that I could ever ask for.
He has been my strength through these past few months. A sounding board. A shoulder to cry on. A friend.

I truly can't say thank you enough.
I just hope that all of you who happen to read this know what you mean to me. Please know that I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am so grateful.
You all have done so much. Whether it has been sending me a text or physically holding my hand. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without all the love I have had.
The small things and the big things have meant so much.

I wish Thank you could better explain how I feel.

I truly love my life. I love the people in it. I love that God has gotten me through.

Thank you for being patient with me as I am healing and adjusting from the sorrow my Mother's passing has caused me.
Thank you for understanding and for accepting me as I am. which is a little broken but not damaged.

Life as we know it

Things have been a bit wild around here lately.
I started work at the local Children's hospital down in the city. I work at the "welcome desk". It is a pretty great job and the benefits are awesome. I do miss Addie quite a bit. I try to make the most of the time we spend together now that I am a "working mom".

Addie is now ONE! Can you believe it? I sure can't.
She is walking and climbing stairs and she babbles all day long. She LOVES sesame street youtube videos. She will ask to watch them over and over. She loves to dance and follow people around the house. She likes to hold your hand as you walk, until you try to go somewhere where she doesn't want to go. Then she just stops.
She can pull herself up to a stand from sitting. She was quite proud of herself when she realized she could do that. Now she would rather pull herself up to a stand then use the wall or a piece of furniture.

She LOVES books. Every book. Recipe book in grandma's kitchen? yup lets read it. Hymn book at church? I need you to read that to me now! Random magazine that comes in the mail? Were you going to throw that away without showing it to me? Every book. Some more then others. I am pretty sure I have the "foot book" memorized. Which is a good thing becuase she has almost chewed it up so that it is unreadable.

She is honestly such a bundle of joy. She is more amazing then I could have ever imagined and I love every new quirk and characteristic that I learn about her. And her laugh... oh goodness. It brings me smiles on the darkest of days!
I find myself in awe at times at how happy and sweet she is. She truly is a special little spirit from Heavenly Father. I feel quite inadequate.


My cute sister-in-law Courtney braided my hair for me today before I left for work. As I was talking the braids out tonight I started thinking about my childhood and how my sweet mom would braid my hair all the time. It was a tradition almost. We would watch movies and she would braid my entire head! She would do pig tails, corn rows or inside out braids. She was so awesome at it. She would make me "look at the ceiling and tell me a story!" "What do you see on the ceiling Janelle?" I remember often telling her made up stories about butterflies and fairies.
I thought back to a year ago while I was recovering from my c section in the hospital. My mother was in the room talking to me. I asked her to braid my hair. She smiled and delicately put my hair into two french braided pig tails. I could feel that she was struggling a bit as her age worn hands tugged and pulled at my hair. She was tired but We laughed and joked as she went along. It was as if I was back in high school and we were spending a sunday afternoon taking a break from the  cares of the world together. So happy to be with each other.
That was the last time my mom braided my hair. I have been replaying memories in my mind of her lately. Trying to remember her laugh. Her smile. Her face.
I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I don't think I ever told her enough.

They say it gets easier with time. I feel at times it is in fact harder.
Though I know that God is near. My pain is not mine to bear alone.
For that I am grateful.


I am grateful for my memories. I am so grateful for my mom.

I realize more and more what I am lacking personally. I am far from a perfect mom, from even a good mom most days. I pray that God will make me into something better then what I see in myself.
I pray that he can make my weaknesses my strengths.
I am grateful for the love my mom had for me. I do know that she loved me. And I love her. I always will.

My love, My life, My precious Adelaide. 

I will eventually find the words

So I know it has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. I have a million things I want to say and yet I feel the words can't be found. So I just don't say anything.
So today I decided to just write a little bit. And then we can go from here.
I have so many thoughts. So many things in my mind. I wish I could find a way to make sense of it all. So I just keep going each day. Trusting the God will help me. Trusting that I am ok.

Adelaide is 10 months old. She is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter. I love her more and more everyday. She has the greatest personality. When I give her baths at night she looks me in the eyes like we are old friends and laughs with me while she falls on her bum splashing soapy water all over the floor. Her eyes have this twinkle in them. This twinkle of happiness and love. I want to capture her light and keep it with me always. Her tender little spirit warms my heart.
I often do not feel worthy to be her mother. I do not feel like I do enough. I feel like I fail constantly. And yet every morning she smiles when she sees me. She hugs me tight and buries her face into my neck. I am so grateful for her love. She sees in me what I can't quite see in myself. She loves me regardless of my short comings. I want to be the best. I want to be everything for her. And I try so hard. But I know I fall short. I beat myself up over that. But I will keep trying. That is all I can do.

I try and stay busy. I try and visit people or go out a lot. I try and keep my mind focused on anything and everything. I try to not let it wander. I try to not think about my mom. Though that is impossible. But I can fake it pretty well.

I know that I am okay. I am only okay becuase the Lord has helped me through. Every day I can get up and face the day becuase the Lord gives me strength. I have a great life. I have so many blessings.
Despite my many many many short comings I have a wonderful husband who loves me and stands by me and a daughter who is always smiling.
Dark days come and try to consume me into a state of self pitying and loathing. But God sends me tender mercies and miracles in the shape of friends who help rescue me.

I have been working really hard on trying to get into better physical shape. I go to the local YMCA. I have been doing great. Exercise is really good for me and helps me to focus.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father and all he has blessed me with. I am so grateful for everyday. Things get tough. Life is not always easy and depression can get its ugly grasp around all of us every once in a while. But I know this life is not the end. I am so grateful for that.

I think that as I try to utilize this blog more and express my thoughts, I will eventually find the words. The words that will help me feel alive. Help me to make sense of myself. The words that will help me to heal. I will eventually find the words that my heart and spirit need me to set free.

Take my hand and we will make it I swear

It is close to midnight and feel like I need to type something. I am not sure what exactly I need to say or what I even want to say.
It has been over a month since my mom had passed away. Some days have been very difficult while others are only slightly. Some days I live in denial that anything is different. Somedays I live in total agony wishing I would have been kinder, done more or said more. I get by with my faith. I know that I will have the chance to see my mom again. I believe that she isn't far from me.
Sometimes when Addie is doing something really cute I find myself saying out loud, "Did you see that mom?" I can imagine her laughter clear as day in my mind. I can imagine her saying, "Aw look at the little baba girl."
There are so many days I want to call her. I want to tell her things. Ask her things. Reality sets in and it hurts. And then I pick myself up and keep going.

Despite the saddness that I feel from the loss of my mom, I am actually doing quite well.
As well as I can. I am grateful that the Lord is carrying me through.

I will keep pressing on. One day at a time.
I will make my mom proud.

Genealogy, I am doing it!

My mom was so amazing at Genealogy. She was a family history pro if you will. She worked at the family history library and helped other people with their own Pedigree charts.
Going through her belongings I found that she had SO many temple names (mostly male) that needed to have their work finished. When we looked at her temple shoes when we dressed her we noticed there were holes in the bottoms of them.
From this I have gained a very important example of how I should be.

I know I need to keep myself busy. I have a million things I could do, should do, need to do. But I realized that one of these things needs to be to continue on with my mother's family history work. What greater joy can there be then to connect with my family through doing their temple work and forming together a history to share with my children someday.

So tonight my amazing mother in law and I sat and down and she showed me some basic's to figuring out family history. We used Ancestry.com and just in a few hours I have discovered things I never knew. Things about my mom's family that either she didn't know or that she never got around to telling me. I feel like this is a wonderful way for me and my mom to connect even though she is no longer here with me.

One of the other could do, should do, need to do things I have on my agenda is to write more. So that includes keeping up on writing here on this blog. One way to encourage myself will be to write updates on interesting family history things I find. So I don't forget!

So tonight here are some interesting things I found out.

My mom's mother is named Frances. When she was one I found that on a census it showed her living with her mother and father who were both 28 years old. They also loved with my grandma's grandpa who was 48 and his sons (her uncles) who were 21 and 24. That was really interesting. Can you imagine the house? What was daily life like? Five adults and baby Frances. I bet they spoiled her. I never knew that they all lived together and honestly how would I have ever known that?

I knew that my grandfather served in a war. But I never knew which one. Tonight I found the World war 2 document showing that he enlisted in the war on March 6, 1943.

I found out that My Dad's Dad (who was an orphan) has information about his parents that I need to research more!

So this is just the beginning. I need to upload all the pictures my mom had too.
Oh my darling mother. I don't want her work to have been for nothing. I know this is going to be a project that will take years. But I want my kids to have a record of who they are and where they came from.