Life as we know it

Things have been a bit wild around here lately.
I started work at the local Children's hospital down in the city. I work at the "welcome desk". It is a pretty great job and the benefits are awesome. I do miss Addie quite a bit. I try to make the most of the time we spend together now that I am a "working mom".

Addie is now ONE! Can you believe it? I sure can't.
She is walking and climbing stairs and she babbles all day long. She LOVES sesame street youtube videos. She will ask to watch them over and over. She loves to dance and follow people around the house. She likes to hold your hand as you walk, until you try to go somewhere where she doesn't want to go. Then she just stops.
She can pull herself up to a stand from sitting. She was quite proud of herself when she realized she could do that. Now she would rather pull herself up to a stand then use the wall or a piece of furniture.

She LOVES books. Every book. Recipe book in grandma's kitchen? yup lets read it. Hymn book at church? I need you to read that to me now! Random magazine that comes in the mail? Were you going to throw that away without showing it to me? Every book. Some more then others. I am pretty sure I have the "foot book" memorized. Which is a good thing becuase she has almost chewed it up so that it is unreadable.

She is honestly such a bundle of joy. She is more amazing then I could have ever imagined and I love every new quirk and characteristic that I learn about her. And her laugh... oh goodness. It brings me smiles on the darkest of days!
I find myself in awe at times at how happy and sweet she is. She truly is a special little spirit from Heavenly Father. I feel quite inadequate.


My cute sister-in-law Courtney braided my hair for me today before I left for work. As I was talking the braids out tonight I started thinking about my childhood and how my sweet mom would braid my hair all the time. It was a tradition almost. We would watch movies and she would braid my entire head! She would do pig tails, corn rows or inside out braids. She was so awesome at it. She would make me "look at the ceiling and tell me a story!" "What do you see on the ceiling Janelle?" I remember often telling her made up stories about butterflies and fairies.
I thought back to a year ago while I was recovering from my c section in the hospital. My mother was in the room talking to me. I asked her to braid my hair. She smiled and delicately put my hair into two french braided pig tails. I could feel that she was struggling a bit as her age worn hands tugged and pulled at my hair. She was tired but We laughed and joked as she went along. It was as if I was back in high school and we were spending a sunday afternoon taking a break from the  cares of the world together. So happy to be with each other.
That was the last time my mom braided my hair. I have been replaying memories in my mind of her lately. Trying to remember her laugh. Her smile. Her face.
I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I don't think I ever told her enough.

They say it gets easier with time. I feel at times it is in fact harder.
Though I know that God is near. My pain is not mine to bear alone.
For that I am grateful.


I am grateful for my memories. I am so grateful for my mom.

I realize more and more what I am lacking personally. I am far from a perfect mom, from even a good mom most days. I pray that God will make me into something better then what I see in myself.
I pray that he can make my weaknesses my strengths.
I am grateful for the love my mom had for me. I do know that she loved me. And I love her. I always will.

My love, My life, My precious Adelaide. 

I will eventually find the words

So I know it has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. I have a million things I want to say and yet I feel the words can't be found. So I just don't say anything.
So today I decided to just write a little bit. And then we can go from here.
I have so many thoughts. So many things in my mind. I wish I could find a way to make sense of it all. So I just keep going each day. Trusting the God will help me. Trusting that I am ok.

Adelaide is 10 months old. She is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter. I love her more and more everyday. She has the greatest personality. When I give her baths at night she looks me in the eyes like we are old friends and laughs with me while she falls on her bum splashing soapy water all over the floor. Her eyes have this twinkle in them. This twinkle of happiness and love. I want to capture her light and keep it with me always. Her tender little spirit warms my heart.
I often do not feel worthy to be her mother. I do not feel like I do enough. I feel like I fail constantly. And yet every morning she smiles when she sees me. She hugs me tight and buries her face into my neck. I am so grateful for her love. She sees in me what I can't quite see in myself. She loves me regardless of my short comings. I want to be the best. I want to be everything for her. And I try so hard. But I know I fall short. I beat myself up over that. But I will keep trying. That is all I can do.

I try and stay busy. I try and visit people or go out a lot. I try and keep my mind focused on anything and everything. I try to not let it wander. I try to not think about my mom. Though that is impossible. But I can fake it pretty well.

I know that I am okay. I am only okay becuase the Lord has helped me through. Every day I can get up and face the day becuase the Lord gives me strength. I have a great life. I have so many blessings.
Despite my many many many short comings I have a wonderful husband who loves me and stands by me and a daughter who is always smiling.
Dark days come and try to consume me into a state of self pitying and loathing. But God sends me tender mercies and miracles in the shape of friends who help rescue me.

I have been working really hard on trying to get into better physical shape. I go to the local YMCA. I have been doing great. Exercise is really good for me and helps me to focus.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father and all he has blessed me with. I am so grateful for everyday. Things get tough. Life is not always easy and depression can get its ugly grasp around all of us every once in a while. But I know this life is not the end. I am so grateful for that.

I think that as I try to utilize this blog more and express my thoughts, I will eventually find the words. The words that will help me feel alive. Help me to make sense of myself. The words that will help me to heal. I will eventually find the words that my heart and spirit need me to set free.

Take my hand and we will make it I swear

It is close to midnight and feel like I need to type something. I am not sure what exactly I need to say or what I even want to say.
It has been over a month since my mom had passed away. Some days have been very difficult while others are only slightly. Some days I live in denial that anything is different. Somedays I live in total agony wishing I would have been kinder, done more or said more. I get by with my faith. I know that I will have the chance to see my mom again. I believe that she isn't far from me.
Sometimes when Addie is doing something really cute I find myself saying out loud, "Did you see that mom?" I can imagine her laughter clear as day in my mind. I can imagine her saying, "Aw look at the little baba girl."
There are so many days I want to call her. I want to tell her things. Ask her things. Reality sets in and it hurts. And then I pick myself up and keep going.

Despite the saddness that I feel from the loss of my mom, I am actually doing quite well.
As well as I can. I am grateful that the Lord is carrying me through.

I will keep pressing on. One day at a time.
I will make my mom proud.

Genealogy, I am doing it!

My mom was so amazing at Genealogy. She was a family history pro if you will. She worked at the family history library and helped other people with their own Pedigree charts.
Going through her belongings I found that she had SO many temple names (mostly male) that needed to have their work finished. When we looked at her temple shoes when we dressed her we noticed there were holes in the bottoms of them.
From this I have gained a very important example of how I should be.

I know I need to keep myself busy. I have a million things I could do, should do, need to do. But I realized that one of these things needs to be to continue on with my mother's family history work. What greater joy can there be then to connect with my family through doing their temple work and forming together a history to share with my children someday.

So tonight my amazing mother in law and I sat and down and she showed me some basic's to figuring out family history. We used Ancestry.com and just in a few hours I have discovered things I never knew. Things about my mom's family that either she didn't know or that she never got around to telling me. I feel like this is a wonderful way for me and my mom to connect even though she is no longer here with me.

One of the other could do, should do, need to do things I have on my agenda is to write more. So that includes keeping up on writing here on this blog. One way to encourage myself will be to write updates on interesting family history things I find. So I don't forget!

So tonight here are some interesting things I found out.

My mom's mother is named Frances. When she was one I found that on a census it showed her living with her mother and father who were both 28 years old. They also loved with my grandma's grandpa who was 48 and his sons (her uncles) who were 21 and 24. That was really interesting. Can you imagine the house? What was daily life like? Five adults and baby Frances. I bet they spoiled her. I never knew that they all lived together and honestly how would I have ever known that?

I knew that my grandfather served in a war. But I never knew which one. Tonight I found the World war 2 document showing that he enlisted in the war on March 6, 1943.

I found out that My Dad's Dad (who was an orphan) has information about his parents that I need to research more!

So this is just the beginning. I need to upload all the pictures my mom had too.
Oh my darling mother. I don't want her work to have been for nothing. I know this is going to be a project that will take years. But I want my kids to have a record of who they are and where they came from.

Back to normal life?

I have heard from more than one person this last week, "I bet it will be nice to go back to Pennsylvania and get back to your normal life."
Yes, I suppose it is nice to be back to the place that I now call home. It is nice to be with my blanket, my pillow and all my other "things". But I have realized more and more that things don't bring happiness.
I am also still fairly new here in PA. I don't know many people and I don't have the sturdy support system that I have in California or in Utah even for that matter. So the Normal that these few people have alluded to is not normal to me.
Plus my mom is not here anymore. That realization has been sinking in little by little. And there is nothing normal about that.
Normal to me is being able to call my mom everyday while I drive. Normal to me is "skype"ing with her and having her laugh at all the new tricks Addie has learned. Normal to me is knowing that my mom will make me smile no matter how sad or depressed I get. Normal to me is worrying about her. Normal is being able to have someone to vent to. Someone to reassure that I am doing things right.

I know I don't have a "normal" life. I never have. I know things always change. I have always hated change. But I am very much aware that with change comes growth. But I know that growth is not easy. Thus change is not easy. Never has been I guess.

I am still very numb to the fact that my mother has died. I watched it happen. The memory is hauntingly present in my mind everyday. I think back and wonder how I was able to stand that. I wonder how I was so okay during everything. I wonder how I am okay right now.
I know it is all thanks to the Lord. He has helped me through all of this. And as I am becoming more aware and as the pain becomes more real, I am reminded of how much he really has done for me. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this if it wasn't for the strength he has given me.

So back to "normal" life.
Back to living each day. Back to loving and adoring my daughter and husband. Back to being so in awe to the miracles of the Lord and being grateful for his blessings.
Back to trying to get by day by day.

My Eulogy for my darling Mom.

Tonight was my mom's funeral. She passed away Friday morning. I don't know if I can type about that quite yet. Maybe eventually it will become less painful.
But for now I will leave you with the Eulogy that I read for her tonight.
I love you mom. I will never forget you. Promise.

Eulogy for Gail Youngblood

I would like to start out by saying Thank you to everyone for being here and for showing your support. Thank you for your help throughout these past few months. Thank you for your love and friendship, for the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. We have felt them. Thank you for the meals. Thank you to those who have held my hand figuratively and literally through all of this. It is such a blessing to know that my mom was so very loved.

My mom was born in Martinsburg West Virginia. She was an only child for 5 whole years till her parents gave birth to her brother Gary and then very quickly after that came Geri Lynn.  My mom was fun loving little girl. She loved to play dress up! Geri Lynn recently told me how My mom would dress up as Alice cooper for her using their dad’s top hat.

My mom told me many stories of going sledding during the winters and how she would lifeguard during the summers. She even taught swimming lessons for a while.

She had a love for what we now consider to be classic rock. My mom entertained my husband and I one night telling stories us of all the bands she was able to see perform, bands that my husband can only now dream of seeing. She was very proud that she only had to pay 5$ to see Led Zeplin.

She always had an artistic flair to her. When she was in high school she would paint her bell-bottoms with flowers and peace signs. She had all the walls in her room painted too. As she got older she did a lot of costume design in college. She painted all the time when I was younger too. I even had a pillowcase that my mom painted scenes from Pinocchio on when I was 5.  She painted large sheets to use as numerous backdrops for ward parties, road shows, daddy daughter dances, and even one for my eighth grade dance.

My mom had a love for theatre! She was in shows during high school and also into college for a while. Her favorite plays that she did were Carasoul and South Pacific.

My mom was a beautiful lady. I don’t think anyone that ever met her would deny that. She even won miss Berkly County when She was in high school.

As my mom got older she moved from West virgina to Florida to Texas and eventually found her way to California.

My mom lived an interesting life full of adventures, hard times and a lot of trails. She told me often that for many years she was lost trying to find something. Yet she didn’t know what that something was. She told me that when she met my dad he helped save her life. She prayed for answers on what church to join and was lead to the LDS or Mormon faith. She realized that the “something she had been looking for” was the gospel and her family and together my mom and dad figured out what life was really about and they taught my brother and I the things that really matter about living here on this earth.

My mom taught me so many things. I owe so much of who I am today to her. And most of the things she taught me were from her example.

My mom taught me to have a love for the arts. We would go to museums together whenever we could and enjoy all the different works. We went to so many theatre shows together. My mom instilled in me a love for music and acting and She encouraged me to sing and to act. She always told me how much she loved my voice and we would spend countless car rides singing at the top of our lungs. I love to see performances because it reminds me of my mom and it will forever. I love to sing because it reminds me of her sweet encouragement. I can see her plain as day sitting at every choir/theatre show I ever did smiling up at me. Always making me feel so important and talented.

My mom taught me about kindness. My mom told me that when she was in high school she was a cheerleader. She said a girl walked by who was not very popular and my mom saw her sweater and told the girl that she LOVED it. My mom said the girl started to smile and got so excited and exclaimed, ”Thank you it was my grandmas!” As the girl walked away my mom realized that the sweater was actually kind of ugly and she hadn’t seen it very well but because it had made the girl so happy to hear that she liked it she just kept it to herself.  My mom used this story to tell me that she wished she had cared in high school about making more people smile then about being popular. She always told me that the best compliment anyone could get is to have someone say that you are the kind to everyone. Well mom, I didn’t know you in high school but for as long as I knew you, you were kind to everyone. She really was. I have been getting letters and notes from people so I can compile stories of my mom into a book. And the thing that I have read the most is how kind and sweet my mom was to everyone and how she genuinely made them feel loved. I can only hope to develop that trait like her.

My mom taught me about faith. When my father passed away I was only 13. My mom was left with two kids all alone. And yet she never once said a harsh word against God. She was always telling my brother and I how grateful we should be that we are a family forever.

She never doubted and never feared. She was a woman of exemplarily faith. She always knew that trials and hardships were for our benefit, learning and growth and that despite all the pains that this world would bring to us we would live forever with our Heavenly father and with our Families someday. And she always rejoiced in that knowledge.

My mom taught me about positivity. Someone said to me the other day how positive my mom was. And it is true. She really always worked on that. She would always say, “now let’s look on the bright side!” When things would be tough for me or if I had a bad day she would ask, “Janelle… what can you learn from this?” That was just how my mom was. Always trying to grow and be better.

My mom taught me about dedication. Not many of you know this but my mom read her scriptures everyday for almost an hour. She would wake up early and read. She went to the temple regularly. She ALWAYS fulfilled her callings. When she joined the church she gave up her old ways without ever looking back. And she celebrated the Lord for helping her in all things. My mom understood true obedience.

One of the greatest lessons she taught me was about love and service.

My mom truly loved everyone. If she didn’t get along with someone, which was rare, she would offer prayers that she could learn to love them.  And she always did. I have countless memories of coming home after a rough day of school and telling my mom why so and so hurt my feelings or how so and so just bugs me. She would say, “Why don’t you say a prayer that you can learn to love them.” That was not always what I wanted to hear. But when I followed her advice I was always happy.

My mom never judged anyone. She tried to find the best in everyone. She truly loved all. I have had more then one person tell me in the past few days how they loved to talk to Gail because she would just listen. She didn’t care what they would say and they knew that she would always love them.

She truly had a Christ like love for all. I admired that so much about her and I hope above all else that is something I can acquire.

My mom was always trying to serve others. Most of her service she did without even thinking. She smiled at everyone. She was kind to everyone.

She would give to anything to anyone. If you asked her for something, she would find a way to make it happen for you.

She constantly had our friends at her house. She was always talking to teenagers, listening to them and helping them to feel loved.

My mom served in her ward callings. She was in young women’s for so long. She touched so many girls lives, I am sure I don’t even know. She went to girl’s camp every year with me. She would chaperone every field trip in school.  I always had kids coming up to me saying,…”Gosh I wish she was my mom.”

My mom always gave her all, did her best and put her heart into everything. She loved everyone she met. She gave without hesitation. And She had a laugh that was so contagious.

Her smile really did brighten my day.

She had the greatest sense of humor. Her and I could laugh for hours over absolutely nothing. We would make up songs. My brother, her and I could find anything to sing about and keep it going all day. We used to joke that we were the best comedy routine around.

My mom always told me that we were best friends. And we really were.

We were meant to be mother and daughter. Our spirits are so similar.

Saying that I will miss her is an understatement.

I know that she loved Jimmy and me. She gave us everything. We were her life as she always reminded us. I know that she loved my Addie. She adored her and I am so grateful she was able to meet her.

But I know, without a doubt in my mind that she is so happy. She has been without my dad for 11 years. I can’t even imagine how joyous that reunion must have been. I know that we will be a family forever. I will do all I can to make sure that I will be worthy.

I know that when the day comes that I meet both my parents again we will have so many stories to tell. I know that they will be looking after me for the rest of my earthly life. There will forever be a piece of my heart that will ache because I miss them.  But I do not weep thinking that they are sad. I know that they are together.

My mom was a woman who did all she could to please her Heavenly Father and our Savior. She often sang the words” I want to be a window to his love, so when you look at me you will see him” And she was. People knew our Savior’s love because of the Love that my mom showed and so freely gave. I will strive so that something similar can be said about myself someday.

I know everyone here was somehow touched, inspired or taught by Gail.

I am so glad that she is no longer in pain here on this earth. She fought so hard. She did so much.

And now she is with my dad smiling.

Oh how I miss her. Not a day will go by when I won’t think of her, for I truly am who I am today because of her.

I love her more than words can express. And I anxiously wait for the day when we will meet again in a loving embrace.

But until then she will live on here on this earth through the memories and stories that we share.

I am so grateful for my Savior and that through him I will be with my darling mother forever. 

Walk on with hope in your heart

Well. I am still here in California. My sweet mother is declining fast. Which is bitter sweet. Sweet becuase she is comfortable but bitter becuase everyday is closer to losing her. I am trying to just treasure the time I have. It is hard but there are so many tender mercies.
My mom hasn't said really anything the last two days. When I was first here she could at least say yes and no and laugh and smile. But lately it hasn't been anything. But today I looked at my mom in the eyes and said, "I love you mom." She looked at me and mustered all her energy and was able to breathily say, "Love you."

I have been trying to stay busy. We are getting things together for a garage sale this weekend so that we can have money to help pay for her funeral and other costs that will be coming sooner than I want to admit or believe.
I have had SO many lovely people helping me. I can't even put into words the gratitude I have for the love I have felt. I just keep thinking, "What in the world would I do without all the support I have?" Thank goodness for my church. Thank goodness for my husband and his family and their love and help. Thank goodness for my darling brother who is doing all he can to survive this too. Thank goodness for friends. ... no thank the Lord. He knows I couldn't do it alone.

The hardest times are when I am alone like now. My sweet mom is asleep and I am left to think. Left to sift out my memories and thoughts on my own. I know I will be ok. I know all of this is for my benefit and will help me to be stronger. But it is all still hard.
Deciding which of my childhood memories I need to throw away or try to sell makes my stomach sick. If i didn't have people shoveling food down my throat I don't know if I would eat.
But I know they are just belongings. They are just things. The memories I have will last forever.

I am still trying to compile memories/stories/pictures that people have of my mom so I can make a book.
It has been so sweet to read the things people have said about my mom.
She really is such a lovely lady. She has touched so many people's lives. She has blessed so many.
But I am sure my dad misses her terribly. What a sweet reunion that will be.
I know when she does pass it will be a shock. How do I properly prepare for that?
I have no idea. I just keep trying to keep my faith in the Savior. I know he is holding me close. I know that is how I am getting through. I know that this will help me to be a stronger and better person.
Right? right.

Ah.

My mom used to sing that song from Carousel all the time. On TV they are playing clips from Rodgers and Hammerstein's musicals. It is making me smile. Reminds me of my mom. I can hear her singing as clear as day in my mind. Even though she is sleeping right now I am convinced she can hear what we are watching. I think it is making her as happy as it is making me.

"When you walk through a storm keep your head up high and don't be afraid of the storm....
You'll never walk alone"



You'll Never Walk Alone by Rodgers & Hammerstein

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.