Please ignore my terrible grammer. I need to write more

Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself through the reflection of a photo hanging in our living room. I smiled. "Today I am really happy. Today I look pretty. Things are really great." I heard myself think this and smiled again realizing this is a huge feat to be able to say something nice about myself. I have come a long way. (That is a post for another day.)
But as soon as those positive remarks ran through my conscience, the pit in my stomach fell. "What is going to go wrong?"
Alright so this is a horrible habit I have formed where instead of relishing in the happy moments, dancing in the rain or smelling every rose... I cower in a corner waiting, biting my nails and waiting for the hat to drop.
I am working on this. I am getting better. A lot of prayers, self talk and grounding techniques. I am getting better.

Juliet can read minds. She really can. I swear it is her baby super talent. Adelaide could poop on command at the most inopportune time and Juliet can read minds.
Using her amazing ability Juliet saw my smile in that photo hanging in our living room and she knew what it meant. And so she decided I was prepared for a night of no sleep. Screams. Yells. She wouldn't let me put her down. And I was in such a good mood. So it was okay.
To be honest her rough night was more than likely my fault. Actually I would bet like 98% it was that protein shake I had for breakfast yesterday morning. There must be dairy in there. Perks of breastfeeding.
When it was time to take Eric to work this morning at 730am, and both children were somehow still asleep, I looked up with groggy eyes and mumbled half delirious, "Go ahead and take the car. I don't need it today."
Exit Eric. 20 minute intermission. Enter Addie. Awake Juliet. You get it? Yeah.
My list of errands is un-achievable, my energy is undesirable, and my 4 year old is un-entertained.
Fast forward through a long day of me being extra short tempered, sluggish, unkind and yet still pretty happy. I made it through. Dinner was on the table. We are sitting there enjoying a half decent meal complete with salad, which Eric even commented was a "great idea."
Adelaide being the sweet energetic child she is, reaches to grab something across the table and knocks her water all over me. As my day old leggings absorbed the cold, I noticed Addie paused staring at me. Waiting for me to snap at her as had been the normal reaction all day. I smiled. "Its okay Addie. I love you." I took the shirt off my back and used it to mop up the rest of the water. Eric started laughing. Addie yelled, "Yay we are going to eat naked." As she stripped down to her panties.
I threw my shirt in the washing machine and looked at my adorable wonderful family, which I am so incredibly blessed to have in my beautiful life.
"I am taking a shower. I am out. Adelaide put on your pajamas. Eric, Juliet needs some solids. Ill be back."
And Eric, bless him, still laughing waved as I exited the dining room.

We may never know what exactly triggers memories. Is it a scent, a keyword, the feeling of coarse wood on a door frame that catches your arm in just the right way? Is it just as simple as the thought of Christmas lights hanging in your living room being brought into your mind at the right moment as one of these other things, that fires in your brain and brings certain long passed moments to the fore front of our minds?

I loved watching my dad hang up Christmas lights. That probably was super unhelpful. Me sitting there, watching. But I loved it. We would make a big deal about turning them on. Our whole family, all 4 of us, would gather in the front yard. My mom would usually be standing there in her socks shivering in the 55 degree weather. My dad would plug them in and the house would glow. It always looked so magical.
I am not sure who decorated the house when I was 13. I am not sure who took the decorations down either. My Dad passed away on January 9th so I am sure they were already taken down by then. or where they? I was still staying at friends house at that time. Walking in the house I was mostly aware of everything that dad touched seemed to stand out. But this is all a story for another post.
After Dad was gone, my brother was in charge of getting all the decorations down from the attic. The floor was unstable and quite unsafe so we sent the big heavy football player up there. I am not sure of the logic we used.
I always took it upon myself to hang the lights in the trees out front. Even after I got stung by that evil wasp while hanging our handmade ghosts made from an old white sheet one Halloween.
I would take a few hours and walk the strands  around the trees, throwing them haphazardly throughout the branches. As I worked I would sing Christmas songs. That is actually a really inaccurate description. I would BELT at the top of my lungs every belt worthy Christmas song I could remember the words to. Namely, Oh Holy Night, Silent Night, God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman and the First Noel. I didn't care who heard. I think I wanted people to hear because I thought it sounded pretty good. Normally as soon as I would think that I sounded good at singing I would feel that pit in my stomach.
"What if someone thinks its bad and I think its good. And I am wrong because they think I am a terrible singer and if they think that, then I must be, even though I think I am pretty great."
Maybe Christmas lights have some sort of self esteem booster that emits from each bulb when plugged in or maybe I just got so caught up in the beauty of Christmas, but I didn't hear those doubts while decorating the house. I always felt so unbelievably undeniably happy in those moments no matter what was going on.

As I showered this evening I belted my repertoire of Christmas songs. When I got out I heard Juliet screaming and Addie was running around my room, still in her panties, laughing with food in her hand. I smiled.

There is so much beauty in this life. I find it so easy to get caught up in the what ifs.I forget to just thank The Lord for all the blessing I have around me. But I am trying. I am trying to be more focused on the present. Enjoying each random adorable thing Addie says, each subtle joke Eric can tell me by just raising his eye brow and side smiling and every huge ear to ear grin  and giggle Juliet freely gives.

I want to write more. I feel more connected to the present when I do. If you liked his and are still reading... encourage me to okay?

So this is the new year

I love the new year. Because we can look forward and try to be better than we were before. We have something to measure ourselves to, something to help us evaluate where we are and where we would like to be. A new year gives us a new chance to start again. Sure, we can begin again every day, or every month. We can take stock and start with a blank page. But there is something about the new year, with the feelings of Christmas fresh in our hearts and hope for an early spring dancing in our dreams, that makes me reflect on where I want to be.

These past few years have been some tough ones. I have had some personal journeys, struggles, slip ups, and failures. I have seen myself fall. Hard. Depression has an ugly grasp that scars those whom it gets a hold of. I have wondered if I could ever become who I was again. But as I am pressing forward with new understandings about myself I am able to see all the things I love about me and put them back together. 

I am on the "up and up". I am a huge fan of this band from when I was in high school called, Relient K and one of their songs is called "Up and Up". Its been in my head a lot lately as I am looking forward. Click here to give it a listen. 

In the song, the main focus is on how "yesterday is not quite what it could have been" and "It seems we get so caught up on, the history of what's gone wrong, that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see." And the chorus is about how he is on the up and up. He hasn't given up on what "he is capable of." It resonates with me. I know mental illness isn't my fault. But taking care of myself is. I let myself get a place where I was past the point of being able to see I needed help. I have made mistakes, hurt peoples feelings. Said things I should have not, even if I had the best of intentions, my choices and words have hurt others. My heart is heavy with sorrow for things I can't take back. But I can look forward. I can be on the up and up. 

So this year is, for me is about taking all the things I like about me, or I have ever liked about me.... recognizing them and putting them back into practice, if they have fallen out, and making them stronger parts of who I am.

A huge thing I struggle with, is liking me. I have had times in my past where I have really liked myself. And other times where I have found myself doing nothing but degrading myself. There are a lot of good qualities in me and this year I want to recognize those more. It is okay, necessary and healthy to see where I need improvements. But I don't want to get caught up in finding every fault and forgetting the person God created within me. There is beauty in everyone. I want to always be looking for that, and that includes looking for it in myself. 

Though it was not always easy, (depression is a cloud that makes most things difficult) I was able to feel my Savior's love as I have noticed all the tender mercies in my life.There is power in gratitude and trying to recognize the Savior's hand in your life brings a much needed positive perspective. My mom was the best example to me of that. Even when she felt super down and alone she tried her best to find some silver lining in everything. I want to make sure that I bring this back into my everyday routine.

I want to keep myself writing. I am constantly saying "I am going to blog more. I am going to write more." I find myself happier, more positive and relaxed when I do it. 

I want to keep being the best me that I can be. I want to take all the mistakes I have made, people I have hurt, bad feelings I caused and roll it up with who I was. I feel awful for my mistakes and I hope those who I have hurt can find it in them to forgive me and know I am trying to be better.

Elder Holland said the following in his speech at BYU back in 2009, "I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future.."

So Janelle of 2016, take what you have learned and try to be better. Don't let anxiety run your life. Trust and have faith in God. Know that God will continue to help you as he has done in the past. Never lose sight of your faith.

To add an update on my life to this "reflective post"

I will just say a few things on what has been happening in my life. Eric and I are expecting another baby come JUNE! I am 17 weeks along and Addie cannot wait to be a big sister.

I have been sick, but I spent only one day thus far in the ER getting IV Fluids, so that is better then the 3 with Addie.
We are really excited. We keep praying that all goes smoothly and that the baby is healthy.

We just got back from an AMAZING Disney Cruise. We had the BEST time ever and loved spending time with Eric's wonderful family who are so kind to us. Adelaide had the BEST time hunting down characters, splashing in the ocean and loving all over her aunts and uncle, papa, Ama and her great great grandma. 

It was a beautiful way to start the new year.

May 2016 be a wonderful, magical and blessed year to all of you.

waiting to board the boat

hitching a ride with GGGrandma

at the Aquarium in Nassau

Nassau Bahamas - SO BEAUTIFUL RIGHT?

Disney's Castaway Cay Private Island- AMAZING

found Donald

on the beach haning out

before

THE after _Thanks Papa for the Bippity Boppity boutique!!!

Hitching a ride again 

ice cream for us!!! yummy

we found Daisy!

noodle Raft!

Ocean lover

love this weather

loving life!

BIKE RIDE!!!

Addie After

Addie Before Ride

PERFECT!

Nothing good has ever come from hate

  I have used blogging (this particular one and another one attached to my profile) as an outlet for some many things. I have written fun anecdotes and stories about my life. I have bore my testimony through hopeful posts encouraging myself to keep going. None of these things are bad. In fact they have been helpful to me.
      That being said, I think I have edged away from using blogging as what it can be for me. Which is a place to express how I really feel, to allow myself to work out things I may not understand. On my other blog that I used more a few years ago  I allowed myself to be honest about things, like my Mental Health Issues and looking back it is wonderful to see the beauty that my pain and struggles have brought. So I hope that as I continue on my journey into blogging I can feel free to express myself, putting up creative writing stories, poems and feeling okay to be with how I feel, and who I am.
   
In that same respect I want to write about something that has been hurting my heart the past few days.
I am a part of a church which openly expresses that God's Law is that Marriage is to be between a man and a woman. Their core doctrine focuses around the family and traditional marriage. I respect my religion so much. I can appreciate that within the bounds, of what I believe to be my personal religion, marriage in our temples and churches must be this way.
However, just becuase I choose to be apart of this religion and practice according to its doctrine does not mean that I have any right to tell anyone else how or what they should do.

I can not in anyway tell my friends who to love. I don't want to. I have so many wonderful friends who practice different religions, are different races and who love people who have they same gender as them. The fact of the matter is this new ruling passed down by the SCOTUS is making so many of my friends and family happy and better. They can be married and receive recognition for that marriage. There is no reason a person shouldn't be granted these rights by a government. That is my personal belief.
A religion is different from a government. A government needs to make sure the rights of all people are being protected. Civil liberties need to be for everyone.
A religion has the prerogative to say what is right for their congregation and their believers. But there are many different religions. There are many different beliefs. A government has to do what is best for the people despite what certain religions or people may practice.

As we are learning to coexist on this planet filled with many different people, it is unrealistic to believe that everyone thinks the same and it is completely unfair to expect everyone to.

So I turned my Profile picture into a rainbow. I messaged my friends, my family members and said encouraging and happy thoughts. I did this because I am happy they are happy. I am thrilled to see that their lives are better. Just as they were happy to see me get married in my church's temple where only certain people could enter, just as they rejoiced when my baby was born and blessed, just as they sent me encouraging messages when I said that I had thought about going on a mission for my church when I was 20.
We are all human beings. And we need to learn to love each other.

I truly am sorrowful with all the hate I have seen.
I have been treated badly in my life. I have had people act weird toward me becuase I have bipolar disorder. I have had people treat me bad for the religion I am apart of. I have had people say hurtful things to me these past few days as I have rejoiced with my friends. But as I thought today about how crummy I felt I realized I am only feeling a minuscule of the pain that a lot of my brothers and sisters who are apart of the LGBT community have felt. And that is ridiculous. I can't even imagine the plight that some of my friends have endured as they tried to find themselves in this sometimes unwelcoming world.
No one deserves to be bullied, ridiculed, or degraded. Can we not all just try to see where people are coming from? Can we try to understand?
Can we learn to find common ground? Can we learn to love someone unconditionally?

To those out there who have felt lost, hurt or hopeless, please know that there is love and acceptance. And I am so sorry for all the hate you have felt.

Remember, God is love. He has love for every single person. I believe that. So there is no reason we shouldn't do the same.

Let's all learn to live together on this earth.
Loving people is so much better than hating them.

Right where you are...

The other day I was trying to find some peace so I turned on some EFY music. It may sound corny but I have always found such great happiness from listening to EFY music. And honestly good music in general just can touch my soul and help me to feel things that plain words sometimes lack.
I came across this adorable song from the 2013 soundtrack and it was just the greatest.
Here is a link the song.  It is called right where you are. Maybe it will strike you in a happy way like it did for me.

Things in our life have been busy but very exciting. Eric is loving his classes and is doing well. Addie is growing smarter, bigger and more beautiful everyday. She is the highlight of everyday for me. She just has the greatest spirit and such a happy demeanor.

A few weeks ago we had stake conference. I was sitting alone becuase Addie had kinda had enough and Eric took her on a walk. I was sitting there listening to the speakers and my heart became very heavy. Some personal troubles came to my mind and weighed on me in a way that it hadn't before. It physically hurt and it took my breath away. And I began to feel so sad and lost. I started to miss my parents. I started to miss my brother. I started to miss my friends up in Cranberry, my friends in Utah, California and my dear Janie in Texas.
I said a silent prayer. And as I listened to the speakers I felt strength. I felt like I wasn't alone even though I felt it and I felt like God knew me and what is going on. And I felt myself smile through my silent tears.
A few minutes later Eric came back in and sat beside me. And Addie came and climbed on my lap. And then off my lap. And then she ran into the beautiful lady's chairs that was sitting behind us. And her and I started talking and soon we had exchanged numbers.
This lady is named Amy and she has become an angel in my life. Her daughter and Addie are only one week apart. And we have spent so much time together the past few weeks. It is like we have been friends for years.
I laugh thinking about the day we met becuase God knows what I need before I even know. He helps me before I even ask.  Amy is such a great woman and she is the type of person that makes you want to be better.
I am so grateful she has become a part of my life.


So here I sit reflecting on my life; the past few days, weeks, months. And I am just so grateful. Grateful for friends who listen to me. To new friends who just accept me with all my crazy flaws. To my husband who loves me and makes me smile daily. To my daughter who gives me new eyes to appreciate life with.
I am grateful for the tears I cry becuase they open new understandings for me. And as I reach out for God's help I am constantly reminded that he is always here for me. His tender mercies are all around me and testify of him.

My new Favorite EFY songs says, " You don't need all the answers for you to see that in your heart there's a light that will guide if you let it spark. Right where you are."

I think there are lots of ways to interpret this song. But for me this songs is about letting yourself be happy despite what you cannot see. To trust God. To look around where you are and see that things are beautiful despite the trials and pain. We will be led forward if we just accept and be okay with right where we are.

So I am sitting on my bed, in a cold quiet beautiful apartment. And my heart has troubles as most hearts do. But my spirit is happy right where I am becuase I know that things will work out. Things are good. And I have so many blessings.

Break the sky myself.

I am trying to breathe in and enjoy all the happiness that is my life right now.
I have a new apartment, a job, a beautiful family, a super smart, handsome husband who is in an amazing grad school program with lots of opportunity. I have wonderful support from my friends, family,  and in laws. I have an adorable baby kitten who Addie fondly only refers to "baby Cat" while she drags the poor thing across the floor by the tail. But the sweet "baby Cat" runs away for only a few moments before she returns back to the affectionate toddler wanting more. They are an adorable duo.
I have the most perfect apartment. I can not say enough how much I love it. It felt like home from the moment I walked in. And Addie calls it home. Though she misses grandma's house a lot, she does enjoy her new room and big girl bed.
I have the most adorable little two year old. She is so full of life, wonderment and joy. I will catch her singing "la la ba ba he he he he " to herself as she plays. She will burst out in "walkie walkie walkie walkie" As we trot across the street to the park. She loves to cuddle. She gives the best kisses. I cannot describe the joy she brings me.

I am learning to cope with the things that bring me down.
Stress, grief, trauma, pain, depression; these are things that find their ways into my mind and overwhelm me to point where I feel like the sky is pressing down on me. I realize that this is something that I have fought with my entire life. This overwhelming feeling drowns me in my own subconscious till I feel nothing but numbness. But as I come to these realizations, and cope with my grief and my past I find that I can "break this sky". I am stronger then I know.

God has blessed me with so many positive and amazing things. And he gave me such potential.
My depression, my anxieties, my paranoia can sometimes get in the way of my progression. But not anymore.
I am okay. I am learning and I am succeeding.

Confessions of an Imperfect person

I am not sure if it was becuase it was raining so hard on my long commute home tonight, or if it was becuase I just have been down on myself lately, but whatever the reason I found myself feeling very alone. As it was 11pm at night I didn't have anyone to talk to on the phone and my "Tape adapter" that I can plug my phone into so I can listen to music just recently decided to break.
     So I drove in silence listening only to the rain beat against my windshield. Every now and then lightning flashed across the sky in front of my path. I felt very tense driving. Puddles were forming in pockets all over the road. I kept imaging hitting one puddle just the right way and how I could easily hydro plane into a wall. I was nervous and cautious and some where through all of those thoughts tears started running down my face. "Why? What is this? Why am I crying", I asked myself out loud only to be drowned out by the rattling raindrops racing down to the earth.
        I feel like I am pretty great actress. Always have been really. I feel confident in that. I am so good in fact, that I fool myself at times to believe that I am emotionally better then I really am. Alone in my large van driving in high anxiety weather I started to realize that sometimes I tell myself that I am okay, and I may not be as Okay as I can convince myself I am.
       I work full time down in the city. I am genuinely blessed to have a job. And such a good job with really great coworkers. Especially becuase I don't have a degree. But tonight I felt the sadness that my heart really has. This sadness that Actress Janelle has been hiding from herself. I miss my daughter so badly. I want with every desire in my soul to be with her and not have to work so long and much. I come home and sit in my room trying to sleep and I contemplate what she ate for dinner. How she liked it. What her face looked like when she realized that her food was good. What her face looked like when her tummy got full. What words did she learn today? What connections to the world around us did she make? Does she know that I love her? Does she know that I would do anything to make her happy?
       I told her earlier this afternoon that I had to go to work. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said," Okay bye." Short and sweet just like her. I told myself that it was fine and I am blessed that she is so ok with me leaving. Other kids her age are known to have really bad separation problems. But on this lonely ride home tonight I felt the pain that little things like such cause me. And tears fell from my eyes.
       My mom always worked. My entire childhood. I didn't realize then what a sacrifice that was for my mom. I know she loved us so. I am sure sending us to "summer day camp" was never easy on her. I am sure she wished she had been there, wished she could have taken care of us, played with us and watched us grow everyday. She worked so hard for us. She always told me to do everything I could to be at home with my children. She was speaking from experience. I know that now.
       But sometimes there is nothing you can do. And I know that. And I don't normally let it get me down. But tonight it made me sad. I missed my Addie. Tonight I feel like a terrible mom. Tonight I feel like I can't measure up. Tonight I feel like my best will never be enough. Tonight I miss my mom. Tonight I feel alone.
        I listened to NPR on my way to work today. this successful woman was talking about how to be a successful woman in the work place. It was an empowering segment and I enjoyed her advice on how to have more confidence. I lack that quite a bit. Obviously. At one point she spoke of an experience where she was feeling so down and she called her dad who gave her great advice and he gave her courage to go forward and it helped her to be this super successful powerhouse work lady that she is. My tough actress heart sank. And I felt my inner child ask, "But who can I go to when I need to feel better about myself?"
       That went through my mind all day at work as I filled out paper work. It rang in my ears as I inputed information in my computer. And it sat in my chest burning as I drove home through the bullet raindrops which exploded with pure anxiety into the pit of my stomach.
       I made it home and sat on the couch. I grabbed my laptop and soon I found myself on LDS.org. The first few messages I saw were about mothers. How they are divine, wonderful and amazing. All things I feel do not describe me or my mothering skills. I watched a beautiful mormon Message about how Mother's are doing God's work and while it made me feel less anxious I still felt overwhelmed and like I will never be... can never be what I want to be, what others want me to be. I just can't measure up.

       Then I watched a video By Sister Dalton who Ran the Boston Marathon. She talked about how she felt so alone and started crying during the race. She said she didn't feel like she could do it and she was very discouraged. She said that She said a prayer and the words came to her "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not afraid. For I am thy God and will still give thee Aid. I will strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."
        As I was driving through the storm this evening I too offered a prayer. And As I sat here listening to Sister Dalton I realized that these words have played through my mind many times. I know that God is always with me. I REALLY KNOW THAT! I know that GOD KNOWS I am trying my best. And I may not measure up to other people's thoughts, views or expectations but I am doing my best and That is good enough for my Heavenly Father. I came across "D&C 24:8 Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."
       As I drove crying, feeling pain and inadequacy in my heart from the little troubles in my life... I was not alone. And I am glad I was honest with myself on how I felt becuase now I can take a deep breath and go on. Press on. Endure. I am okay. I am not alone.
       All things are for my benefit and learning. THIS LIFE IS NOT THE END! I have a blessed and I have glorious life. And though I have sad moments I am so grateful that I know that God is aware of me.
      We have had some great blessings lately. Eric is going to be starting his Masters program soon! We will be getting our own apartment. I am a supervisor now at work! Addie is super smart, loves to dance and sing! She is always making us smile.

         This rainstorm was glorious. It helped bring some clarity to my aching soul. It helped me to try to see myself in a brighter light, the kind of light my Savior sees me in.
     I am far from perfect but I know he loves me. And despite all my weaknesses, fumbles and mess ups he is still beside me. I know I don't think too highly of myself but I hope I can start to see myself as God sees me. I know that I can always turn to my Heavenly father.

                          I am grateful for the rain that has helped me to clear my mind.

Here is the Link to the Video of Sister Dalton

All you need is love

The year anniversary of my Mother's death came and went. I made it through... I survived.
Eric went out and bought me diet coke and a box of chocolates. He loaded Addie and I into the car early Saturday morning. We drove 3 hours to the Columbus Ohio Temple where I went in and did a session. While inside I felt peace and comfort from My heavenly Father. I was reminded of God's greater plan for us and that despite the fact that my mom is not here now with me on earth she is in fact my mother forever. And I am sure she is near me more then I know.
After the temple we went to downtown Columbus and found an adorable cupcake shop where we stopped and tried some really interestingly delicious cupcakes. One was a chocolate potato chip cupcake. I know I was hesitant to try it as well but it was delicious.
Our drive home was peaceful. We talked, sang princess music and enjoyed being a little family.
I spent the evening looking through old photos. Reminiscing on days long ago.
I am so chose to go to the temple on the anniversary of my Mom's death. A friend of mine a few years back went to the temple after her husband died. That always stuck with me, her example. The temple can bring us blessings and on difficult days that is what we need. I think there is no where else my mom would have rather had me. She was always going to the temple herself. She loved the temple so much and I am grateful for her and my friends positive influences in my life. That was where I needed to be Saturday. I am glad I have such a wonderful husband who made it happen.

      I watched little Adelaide run up to me, grab my hand and pull me over to a her books this morning. I smiled as she slowly backed up into my lap. She nestled her head into my shoulder and tried to read along with me as I told her what was written in her book. I laughed as she got up half way through to switch out books.
My mom once had similar experiences with me. My mom once held my hand and walked as I pulled her around. My mom once had me jump into her lap and have me sing her songs with my nonsensical words. My mom once kissed my neck as I kiss Addie's and whispered that she loved me in my ear. I don't have definitive memories of this but as I go about my days with my daughter I have this nostalgia from long ago. And this understanding that my overwhelming love for Addie is what my mom had for me. When my mom told me that I was her sunshine, She meant it. I know that becuase I mean it when I say it to Addie.

We all have that one person in our lives who loves us unconditionally and makes us feel like we really are special.  I was truly loved by my mother. Even though I didn't recognize it all the time.
I am not the most confident of people. I can be very hard on myself and I don't always think of myself in the most positive of lights. But my mother always had something kind to say. Now she had "tough loving" (unintentionally harsh) things to say too but She never went a phone call or conversation without saying she loved me. Becuase no matter how rude or cruel or ignorant or stupid or clumsy I was, my mom loved me.
I am grateful I had that love. To have felt that feeling of acceptance.

I don't have everything going my way. Earlier I just sat with my face in my hands and cried. I wish I knew what the future holds. I wish I knew how I was going to get through everything going on right now. But as I prayed and contemplated my trials I felt love. I have love from my amazing husband and daughter. And from friends.And my Brother who takes time to call me and chat.
 But most of all I have love from My Heavenly Father. And though I feel like my best is not enough right now, it is enough for him. He loves me. I know that there will be sunshine tomorrow and my unknown future is in good hands.

My mother taught me many many things. We didn't always see eye to eye. We had some pretty rough periods in our relationship to be honest, but she was always my best friend. She was a good, faithful and loving lady. And she taught me to have hope and delight in my Savior.

I pray that if I can do at least one thing right it will be to help Adelaide to love everyone and to trust in the Lord.




"All you need is Love."
Love can't solve all my problems unfortunately but Love can bring a smile to my face after a very difficult day. Love can make me feel better when I feel so very down on myself. Love can encourage me to keep going.
And keep going I will.

My Mommy. Words can't express how much I miss her. 

Thank goodness for the Love and Lessons she taught me.