I love the new year. Because we can look forward and try to be better than we were before. We have something to measure ourselves to, something to help us evaluate where we are and where we would like to be. A new year gives us a new chance to start again. Sure, we can begin again every day, or every month. We can take stock and start with a blank page. But there is something about the new year, with the feelings of Christmas fresh in our hearts and hope for an early spring dancing in our dreams, that makes me reflect on where I want to be.
These past few years have been some tough ones. I have had some personal journeys, struggles, slip ups, and failures. I have seen myself fall. Hard. Depression has an ugly grasp that scars those whom it gets a hold of. I have wondered if I could ever become who I was again. But as I am pressing forward with new understandings about myself I am able to see all the things I love about me and put them back together.
I am on the "up and up". I am a huge fan of this band from when I was in high school called, Relient K and one of their songs is called "Up and Up". Its been in my head a lot lately as I am looking forward.
Click here to give it a listen.
In the song, the main focus is on how "yesterday is not quite what it could have been" and "It seems we get so caught up on, the history of what's gone wrong, that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see." And the chorus is about how he is on the up and up. He hasn't given up on what "he is capable of." It resonates with me. I know mental illness isn't my fault. But taking care of myself is. I let myself get a place where I was past the point of being able to see I needed help. I have made mistakes, hurt peoples feelings. Said things I should have not, even if I had the best of intentions, my choices and words have hurt others. My heart is heavy with sorrow for things I can't take back. But I can look forward. I can be on the up and up.
So this year is, for me is about taking all the things I like about me, or I have ever liked about me.... recognizing them and putting them back into practice, if they have fallen out, and making them stronger parts of who I am.
A huge thing I struggle with, is liking me. I have had times in my past where I have really liked myself. And other times where I have found myself doing nothing but degrading myself. There are a lot of good qualities in me and this year I want to recognize those more. It is okay, necessary and healthy to see where I need improvements. But I don't want to get caught up in finding every fault and forgetting the person God created within me. There is beauty in everyone. I want to always be looking for that, and that includes looking for it in myself.
Though it was not always easy, (depression is a cloud that makes most things difficult) I was able to feel my Savior's love as I have noticed all the tender mercies in my life.There is power in gratitude and trying to recognize the Savior's hand in your life brings a much needed positive perspective. My mom was the best example to me of that. Even when she felt super down and alone she tried her best to find some silver lining in everything. I want to make sure that I bring this back into my everyday routine.
I want to keep myself writing. I am constantly saying "I am going to blog more. I am going to write more." I find myself happier, more positive and relaxed when I do it.
I want to keep being the best me that I can be. I want to take all the mistakes I have made, people I have hurt, bad feelings I caused and roll it up with who I was. I feel awful for my mistakes and I hope those who I have hurt can find it in them to forgive me and know I am trying to be better.
Elder Holland said the following in his speech at BYU back in 2009, "I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future.."
So Janelle of 2016, take what you have learned and try to be better. Don't let anxiety run your life. Trust and have faith in God. Know that God will continue to help you as he has done in the past. Never lose sight of your faith.
To add an update on my life to this "reflective post"
I will just say a few things on what has been happening in my life. Eric and I are expecting another baby come JUNE! I am 17 weeks along and Addie cannot wait to be a big sister.
I have been sick, but I spent only one day thus far in the ER getting IV Fluids, so that is better then the 3 with Addie.
We are really excited. We keep praying that all goes smoothly and that the baby is healthy.
We just got back from an AMAZING Disney Cruise. We had the BEST time ever and loved spending time with Eric's wonderful family who are so kind to us. Adelaide had the BEST time hunting down characters, splashing in the ocean and loving all over her aunts and uncle, papa, Ama and her great great grandma.
It was a beautiful way to start the new year.
May 2016 be a wonderful, magical and blessed year to all of you.
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| waiting to board the boat |
I love your outlook on 2016. Just so you know, you've been in my thoughts and prayers (I understand the depression thing). This is random, but I was flipping through my music the other day, and I came across "The Maker's Touch" by Jenny Phillips. Written on the first page was "Janelle--solo." Do you remember singing it at girl's camp? I just felt like I should mention it to you. That song's become one of my favorites. Thanks for letting me accompany you so many years ago. Your voice is lovely. :-)
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