Carry on

Things are going forward around here. Mom is declining fast. Each day she talks less, understands less and eats less. But I can tell when she is happy. I can tell when she is happy to see someone or something.

A wonderful treat came in the Mail yesterday from my mom's childhood friend Candi. Some DELICIOUS cookies. They made my mom very happy!

Her appetite was very poor today. Yesterday she was able to eat this cookie. One of the last solid types of food I have seen her eat. Today she mostly ate a milk shake and some broth.

 Little Adelaide makes mom happy. Up until today mom would be able to say, "I love baby" or "I love Addie". Today was the first time she really has not been saying much.


Mom still is the same Gail when she is coherent even though she can't seem to talk. Today while my friend and I were changing mom we pulled her up in the bed using a blanket. To lighten the mood I yelled, "WEEEE." My mom looked at me Raised her eye brows and pretended to wave her hands around like it was a ride. HA. It was a very subtle and very weak but it was my moms humor none the less.

Today we had a few wonderful visitors. I really truly have felt so much love. I am so grateful for that. It is so nice to not have to feel alone.

One of the hardest parts is when I "warn" people about my mom's condition and try to get them ready to see her in the state she is in. It is hard becuase I can always tell when they finally do go in and see her that all the words in the world could not really be enough preparation. It is hard to see anyone like that. It is especially hard when I remember that it is my mom laying there. 

I keep going on thinking that she will be getting better soon.

I go on thinking all our plans will soon be able to be fulfilled. It is hard to think that she is leaving this earth forever. 

So I try to not think about it and just focus on trying to make things the best now for her. 

I am so grateful for the Lord. I am grateful for my knowledge that this life is not the end. 

I know that it won't make losing my mom any less painful but it helps me get through, It helps me to carry on.

It helps me to feel loved. 

Elder Richard G Scott said the following;

"The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment."

I know that I am growing and learning. I know that life is not horrible. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. He wants me to be happy. And he wants my mom to be happy too. He loves her. This is all apart of his plan. I know that with all my heart. And I take comfort in knowing that these things will help me to become stronger. Even though right now I feel so very weak. Even though this is hard.

I know that despite everything. I am not alone. 

I have my friends and the wonderful people in the church. 

I have my sweet handsome husband. 

I have family... on both sides of the veil.

Most importantly I have my Savior. 

I found this awesome picture today of me and my daddy. It gave me such joy and comfort to see his face.

I really like this song right now:

http://youtu.be/q7yCLn-O-Y0

California Dreaming

I figure that writing may be a good way to deal with my emotions and things. So my new goal is to try and take advantage of my blog a bit more.
So I am California for a bit with my mom.
Adelaide and I flew in on Tuesday. Flying with an infant by yourself is definitely a challenge but people were very helpful.

I arrived here and was a little caught off guard to find my mom the way she is. She is just a lot less independent than how she was when I was here last. She is in a hospital bed in the living room and she is more or less confined to it.
My first night we tried to get her up to maybe go to the bathroom but she is too weak. It takes two people to even change her.
She is not able to talk super well either. It depends on the time of day but I haven't heard her say more then a 5 or 6 word sentence. And that is very rare. Mostly I just get yes or nos and a lot of smiles or "wide eyes" to signal no.

My brother has been doing a lot here. He does the dishes. And gets her care.
She has really gone down hill quite fast. It is pretty crazy when I think that only a few months ago she was walking and talking with me in Utah at Addie's baby blessing.

It is a gloomy day here in California. But still beautiful. The rain here has always brought me comfort. I think its beautiful the way the earth can soothe itself. Just like tears can soothe our hurting soul.

I love when my mom is coherent and when she smiles. It is not often but it occurs. She looked at me yesterday, smiled and said,"You are so beautiful." A memory to treasure forever.
She also looked at me and said, "Addie is so beautiful."
Another time she said, "She looks like me."

Everyday she seems a little more out of it. She tried to use her water bottle like it was a spout for lotion today. But on tuesday she smiled and laughed and even tried to joke with me.
Today she also ate her bread with jelly with a spoon. And refused to open her mouth to take her pills. Even though She looked like she was trying to open her mouth.

As I drive around Hemet I am reminded  of so many sweet memories. I am brought back to sweaty summers with beach trips and fried chicken and Christmas's with sunshine and hot cider.
So many beautiful times. I want to bottle it up. Hold it in my hand and keep it forever. I want to relive so many days over again just to help me remember. Just to let it engulf me in its tender sweetness one more time.

Addie has been my best friend while I am here. She has been my support. She has given me joy and she has given mom joy too.

There have so many kind people who have stopped by and called. I am so grateful. I can't say Thank you enough. I have such a testimony in friendship. God truly blesses us with good people as we go through life changing trials.

But I know that all these things are for our benefit  All these things make us stronger. All these things help us to grow.
I am grateful that the Lord loves me. I know that is what will get me through.
He shows his love through so many other wonderful people, through tender mercies and miracles and through my lovely daughter Addie.

I am so blessed. I really am. Though things are tough I just keep being reminded of all the blessings I truly have.

The happiest place on earth

This video of Addie is her doing tummy time. She can't crawl. I don't think she is even close BUT it is cute to watch her little legs. :)

Hello Again! I am not a very good blog writer. I should work on that!

All is well here. Adjusting to living in a new place still. We just got back from a fun trip to Disney world. It was Addie and My first time there! And it was surreal. It was so fun. I didn't want to come home. I can't remember the last time I have had that much fun. We went on so many rides and saw so many things! Addie LOVED it. She just took it all in. She was so happy to be apart of it all. She would look around and coo and talk. I think her favorite ride was the haunted mansion ride. She just stared at all the ghosts like they were the coolest thing she had ever seen. 

She was so funny. She would get a bit fussy or tired and we would go on a ride and she would stop and start smiling. The Tiki room was also Addie approved. She was fussy but as soon as those birds started singing... Addie was all excited. She started talking to them and smiling. She loved it.

I think one of the greatest joys as a Mom is to watch my child smile. I would do anything to see her laugh and smile.

She loved being with her family. All of them. ah. It just makes me so happy to know that she is so loved. 

So yeah.. Disney was pretty awesome. I honestly can't think of a more fun place. It was just the greatest. I can't say it enough. I was so happy there! Can we live there? Please!?

 I have a lot of pictures that I have yet to upload... SO here a few I took with my phone. 

worn out baby

On the Casey the engine train with Daddy

first time! Outside Epcot

The Castle... 

On the Dumbo ride.

In other monumental news... Feb. 13th on the plane to Disney I realized... Addie's first tooth had popped through! And as of Feb. 26th Addie's 2nd tooth has popped through!

She is not loving teething but she really is a good baby. She is relatively always happy. 

She LOVES to sit and play with her toys. She loves books. She loves to be read to and talked to. She loves to be sang to.

Life is good. We are getting by. 

Many of you may or may not know my mom has been diagnosed with lung cancer. It has been a rough month and a half. Disney was a wonderful vacation from my troubles. But life goes on and she is progressing. We called in hospice today. 

I am just so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I would not be able to do this without the knowledge that we will be a family forever. 

I am so grateful that there have been so many people helping her out while I am not there. There have been so many sweet letters and packages. There have been visits and so many meals. I am so grateful. And my mom's one wonderful friend comes everyday and bathes her and visits with her. I cannot fully express my gratitude for the kindness we have been shown. I know my mom appreciates it. I know she feels so loved. 

I know my dad is close by my mom. I know its hard for him to see her so sick. 

It is hard for all of us.

But she is a trooper. She still manages to make me smile. We talk often on the phone. She has her same sense of humor. And we get some good laughs in before she needs to rest. She is such a wonderful woman. 

I will forever Thank the Lord that she was able to meet Adelaide here in this life. I will forever treasure the times the 3 of us are able to spend together. 

I am grateful that God helps us through our trials. I know we are never alone. There is a true plan of happiness that he set up for us. And we can be with our families forever. I know that. I am so grateful.

We are never alone. Never. Despite how scared, sad or empty we may feel. We have never been forgotten. 

I need to keep that in my mind. And keep my faith strong. 

I pray that I can do so.

Here are some more pictures of my sweet baby girl for your enjoyment.

Thank you all for your love.

sitting up like a champ

Dad built her a fort... yeah I came home from a Relief society activity and this is what i found... I love my sweet husband. He always makes me smile. 

She likes celery. Go figure

She is so expressive

Sitting... playing. Doing her thing. 

Wearing the dress Grandma Gail got for her for Christmas

Addie as a star wars Character 

and... yeah. She has some pretty great Aunts. :)

6 months

IT HAS BEEN A VERY LONG TIME.
And I have no good excuse. I always think... "Oh tomorrow I will update" or "Oh I have nothing good to say..." or "Oh I want to wait till I have that one picture..." And BAM it has been a few good months now.

Life has sure changed a lot for us lately. We moved out of Utah. We are in a whole new city with new people and its very different.
I miss my friends, I miss my old apartment, I miss Provo. But I am excited to see where life will lead us.

Adelaide is 6 1/2 months old now. She is pretty big too. She is 22 pounds as of the other day when I weighed her on our bathroom scale (so take that for as accurate as a bathroom scale can be only).
She loves to babble. Her favorite (and practically only) thing she likes to say is Dada.
She can sit up like a champ. I have newly discovered that If I place a box of toys in front of her it can keep her occupied for ten minutes. She will knock it over and place each toy in her mouth and then throw it away from her. She loves to put EVERYTHING in her mouth. Hair, her clothes, my clothes, my nose..., her food, my food, your food. She will lunge out of your arms toward any type of food that you may be trying to eat. She thinks she can have everything.
If Eric is holding Addie and he tries to kiss me, Addie will, without failure, grap at my face and try to kiss (or eat) my face too. It is pretty cute.
She really is such a sweet little girl.
She loves music. She loves to sit on Courtney's lap and while she plays the piano. And she has figured out how to close the piano. So while Courtney plays Addie will reach up and bring the cover to the keys down. Its good that it closes slowly so that fingers don't get crushed.
Addie has the best laugh ever! She likes when give her tummy rasberries. She likes to get baths. She likes to have you dance wildly around her. She likes if you smile and act crazy. And she loves if you sing.

I feel so blessed to have this sweet little one in my life.

Time sure flys when you are constantly changing diapers

I keep putting off updating my blog becuase I have all these pictures I need to upload and I haven't. That is a horrible reason I know. SO here is a blog post. I apologize for my long absence.

Well Ladies and Gentlemen I have been a mother now officially for three months. So obviously I now know everything that there is about being a mom and I am secretly superwoman.
Yeah, so that is not true at all. I think I realize more and more everyday how much I don't know. But I am so grateful for friends and family who help me along this wonderful learning experience. I have been truly blessed with amazing support. Thank you to all of those who help me and teach me. You probably don't even know who you are... but I notice all of you. Thank you a million times.

There are a few things I have come to realize these past three months and I would like to share these wonderful thoughts with you now.

First off I realized that food tastes SO much better now that I am no longer pregnant. Maybe it is that my nose is no longer the "super sniffer" or maybe its that breastfeeding makes me so hungry that an eggplant covered in chocolate and rolled in dirt would taste delicious (ok not really that sounds disgusting) but whatever the case I am so glad that food has gotten its "flavor" back.

I have realized that stretch marks are hot! They have to be becuase what feels like 80% of my body is covered in them and if they are not then I would feel pretty bad about myself. ha. Truthfully though stretch marks and my c section scar tell about the amazing journey that I took to get this sweet little baby here... so yeah that is pretty "hot" if you want to call it that.

Going to the gym for the first time after pregnancy was a little depressing. Meeting with a trainer and having him tell you that your body like a 33 year olds body when you are only 23 is not exactly the easiest to hear. Also trying to run, jump and do lunges the same way I did before I was pregnant didn't exactly work out well for me... I may or may not have lost my balance a few times and almost fallen over. heh its cool.
BUT its super fun to reach all these new "goals" and I feel pretty impressed with myself when I do reach one. Regardless of the fact that these are goals my 20 year old self could do in her sleep. hahaha. I realized though that working out can really make you feel better about yourself. (As long as you keep going JANELLE!)

Baby spit up, baby pee and baby poop are not as disgusting as you think they will be. When something becomes an everyday occurrence you just become desensitized. When Addie pees on me my last reaction (now) is to freak out and gross out. I'm not going to lie sometimes I don't change my shirt... I just wipe it with a clorex towel and call it good becuase truth be told... its probably about to happen again in about five minutes. (ok I do change my shirt... but I think about not changing it. Especially at 3 am.)

Going along with that... Spit up stains are a pretty sexy accessory this season. Almost every shirt Eric puts on has a big spit up mark on the shoulder. I love it. Just shows me that he is wonderful and always helping me by holding our cute kid. And she loves him too... and her spit up is just one way she shows her love.

A baby talking gibberish to you is super fun. I can do it for hours. And I love to record it and make everyone else watch her do it too even if they don't find it as entertaining as I do.
That being said Company is very nice. I love Addsters but an adult conversation every now and then is really appreciated. My sweet sisters call me all the time and it makes my day. I love just having someone talk to me. I never realized it before but I love it. Phone calls, visits... love it. They mean so much.

Blow drying your hair is such a luxury. I never realized how much I took blow drying my hair for granted before. but on the wonderful days where I can blow dry my hair and wear it down... I feel like a queen. I feel honestly spoiled. Sometimes I worry that when my hair is down Addie won't recognize me.

Reading to your baby is super fun. But the same books over and over again gets a little redundant. So I realized at this little age I am in charge and we can read what I say we read. Addie doesn't mind as long as I am talking to her. So we have been reading lots of random books like the Glass Menagerie and my all about the Titanic book. Her attention span is only for like  7 minutes anyway sooo we don't get through lots but its fun to try.


Baby kisses are magical. Need to feel better? Had a rough day? Give Addie a kiss and your worries will probably just melt away.

Don't get near your old jeans. Don't do it. Those "skinny" jeans you have been saving for a while because someday you will lose enough weight to fit in them... they will depress you. Throw them away my friend (future Janelle rereading this!). Having two pairs of jeans is cool. Especially if one has holes all down the inside of the leg. Truth is no one notices and if they do no one has said anything. I don't have the time nor money for that matter to go get a new pair of jeans and these jeans love me. They don't make me cry. Why would I want to submit myself to sadness when I can stick with my friend mr. comfortable?

Baby smiles... they melt your heart. you can't be mad, sad or even annoyed when that cute little baby looks up at you with that smile. And my luck would have it, Addie LOVES to smile while getting her diaper changed.

Addie has the "puppy face" mastered and it makes her father do anything for her. Addie does this thing where she will pucker her lower lip and start to whine when she wants to be moved, held, changed, or rocked. Its not a real sad face just an adorable little way she lets us know that she isn't happy with the current arrangement and wants a change. For example, we will be somewhere and someone unfamiliar will be holding her. She will be ok for awhile and then puppy sad face comes on. Daddy grabs her and she is fine. Its like nothing was ever wrong. Another example... She is lying next to mommy on the floor. Puppy sad face in Daddys direction... She is now smiling and happy in his lap. That girl has got her dad wrapped around her finger already. She is pretty awesome.

Spit up will probably go in or near your mouth at sometime. Just spit it out as fast as you can and you will survive. Avoiding the "flying baby" game will probably help to decrease your chances of this but if your baby loves to be "flown" around above your face just keep your smile to a closed mouth one and you will be fine.

I realized also... I am old. At 23 I am old. Both my little sisters have told me this in the past two weeks. And guess what?! It is ok. I don't party till dawn. I can't just go do something crazy fun spur of the moment. I have to always be carrying my Mary Popins bag with me. I can only do things my infant can go with me to. I am old and all grown up though I feel just as immature as ever.
But its ok. I like being old. It is totally worth it.
(It is a lot of responsibility being old though. I am trying my best but it is kinda tough dude.)

I have also realized how awesome Eric is. Ok I have said it before.. I married an amazing guy, my best friend and I love him... blah blah blah. But seriously, these past three months have just reaffirmed that I made the best choice possible in a husband. He is amazing. He deals with cranky sleep deprived Janelle, He deals with sad depressed "I am so fat" Janelle, He deals with "I am strange from no sleep" Janelle. He is so kind to me. So sweet. He is always doing anything I ask. I feel so blessed. I feel bad that I am ever short with him. He also is an amazing dad. He is so funny with Addie. She just adores him. Whenever she hears his voice she starts looking around the room for him. She doesn't do that for me... haha. He is always concerned for her health, safety and well being. He is so great... I truly was blessed that he somehow fell in love with me. I am sure glad I was able to convince him to marry me.

Of all the things though I think I have realized that all those cute little cliche things you hear about being a mom... they are all true.
"Being a mom is the greatest job in the world..." True.
"You will understand better the love your parents have for you and be more grateful for everything they have done for you..." True... I could write a whole blog post just about that.
"You will understand better how much our Heavenly Father loves us and how he loves us so unconditionally."True. I see how much I love Addie and I realize that if Heavenly Father loves me as much as I love her then I am so very blessed. I am so grateful for a God who knows me and loves me. It is such a blessing to know that through adversity and trials we have someone who loves us THAT much rooting us on. We really are never alone.

Adelaide is amazing. She is just the sweetest little thing. I am so humbled that I am her mother. I hope I can be worthy of her and teach her all she needs to know. Truth is, so far, she has been teaching me. Patience, love, understanding, how to be happy... the list goes on and on.


These past three months have been amazing. I am excited for the times ahead. I know they won't be easy but I look forward to getting to know Addie more.

Auntie Em and Addie

Addie apparently just loves music and her relatives.  It is super cute to watch her dance around when she hears Emily play!

Granddaddie and Addie

One of Dad's lesser known talents is his singing. Not only does he randomly break into song and sometimes dance, but he is also a critically acclaimed songwriter. With such hits such as "Going 'Round in Circles" and the latest single "Gelato," it was only a matter a time before lightening struck again.  Behold his genius:

[This post is lovingly written by Eric]